A contradictory entry

10/28/2014

Ok, you know what? I don't even know why I'm going on this date tomorrow. I don't want a new boyfriend. I'm not ready. I want my ex, I think. I don't know. I want the comfort of familiarity. I really do. I don't feel confident about new things. I don't know if we're compatible. I think he just wants to get laid. And I mean, usually I would too, but I want to get laid with people I want casual shit with, and I wanted not just casual shit with this guy, so I wasn't sure about fucking him tomorrow night. If he just wants to fuck, then I don't want to just fuck. *sigh* I mean, I really need to get laid, but not by him. Fuuuuuck. I don't know what I want. Ok, I'm just NERVOUS. And when I admitted to him that I was feeling nervous, he says, "I'm not." And that did NOT help. Lol. And what I said about him just wanting to get laid, I don't even know if that's true, but I'm feeling self concious over the fact that I kind of let it slip that once upon a time when things weren't going well for me, I used to... Well. Fuck. I used to prostitute myself. Back in the day. A few years ago. Whatever! It's not a big deal. I'm not ashamed of it. It's a job that has many benefits. I told him that a while back and he was fine with it. But what if he just wants to get laid for free? Guys are always wanting to fuck for free when they find out you charge, like it's some kind of special thing. Or it's entirely possible I'm reading too much into it. It's just.... My self esteem needs this date to go well tomorrow. I've been a fucking mess this week, and I just want this thing to go well. ... That and I want to get laid.