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Ellie's Diary
by Ellie

previous entry: Love of mine, someday you will die

next entry: Happy Halloween?

With every up, comes a bigger down.

10/30/2010



and I want off the rollercoaster


So, shortly after the glow of the engagement came more news that I had to reflect on myself before I felt capable of sharing with anyone else. I have decided not to tell the vast majority of the people in my life, due to reasoning that I will explain later in this entry. Gabby's condition is now considered terminal. She's fine for now, and she's got years to go, but she is going to need a heart transplant. Due to medication allergies, unless there are some huge break throughs between now and then, she will not be considered a candidate for the transplant. It's so weird to put it in writing like this....it makes me sick to the stomach to think about, even after several days of digesting the information. I am going to outlive her. I am going to eventually bury another of my children. Mostly...mostly I'm angry. Really, really angry. Not really at anyone or anything in particular, I admit - just angry. It's not right that someone so little should have so much on her plate. It's not fair that I should be doing this again. It's not fair that as time passes, I will wonder every day if this is it. They're saying she'll probably reach adulthood before it happens, but still. It's not fucking fair. I can't wrap my head around why life is doing this to her. We're not telling anyone, because people already treat her so much differantly. They said she has time left until she starts going downhill bad, years, really, and I don't want her being treated like a broken doll until it happens. She's not old enough to understand why she's being treated differantly, and I just want her life as happy and close to normal as possible in the meantime.

Kyle has been my rock. I can't imagine how I would be getting through this without him. I really don't think I could to be honest. he's pulling me throught it far better then I could on my own.

In other news, I've got a stack of bills so high from all of this, it's utterly ridiculous. I called in today and cancelled the appointment I had made to have Christmas pictures taken. I really wanted to do it, and I'm really upset about not doing it - but the fucking medical bills are outrageous. At some point I'm going to add them all together, but at this point, I don't think I could stomach seeing the numbers. It's bad enough seeing the smaller numbers as they accumulate. Ugh. Fucking shoot me.




previous entry: Love of mine, someday you will die

next entry: Happy Halloween?

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I'm so sorry. This is not fair at all.

[st☆rlessStar|0 likes] [|reply]

I am so sorry.

[RaisingBean|0 likes] [|reply]

oh, i'm so sorry mama. this is all so unfair for your family.

[just samma;Star|0 likes] [|reply]

I hate that life is so unfair to those who don't deserve it at all. I remember reading you when the doctors said she wouldn't even be born and you hung in there and fought for her,she fought hopefully she will keep fighting and prove them wrong again. I will pray for her every single day forever- she deserves to be here just like the rest of us.

[Mrs.G☆Star|0 likes] [|reply]

lol well ages ago it was opendiary and then when it crashed I came here and started and abandoned a few diaries lol. Thanks for the welcome

[Faithfully Renovated|0 likes] [|reply]

oh ellie, my heart aches for you. I can only imagine how you are feeling. If you ever need to offload, vent to someone - you know I'm here and I get it.

Love love love to you all...

[Missing Caden James|0 likes] [|reply]

I am so so so sorry you're going through this. You've had quite the fight with her & you're right, it's not fair- to either of you, I totally agree though- you should keep her life as close to normal as you can while you can. Plus, she's proof that miracles DO happen, so no one should give up on her!

[*MonkeyLover*|0 likes] [|reply]

previous entry: Love of mine, someday you will die

next entry: Happy Halloween?

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