old entry on being an "al

It's perry's bday and my roomie and her are taking shots in the common room. Adam came in, hes cute, and he said hi. Started a conversation with me which was nice, but he was being really loud, since hes already drunk, and my heart was beating so fast cause I thought the RA was going to walk in.

im so paranoid now.

They tried to get me to take a shot and I said no. I told them I had to study (and I do). I really wanted that shot though. Everyone is calling me an alcoholic. They laugh after they say it but it really makes me wonder.

I've never drank to get drunk. I've drank to get buzzed. Problem is I never felt buzzed last wknd. I was just drinking and drinking then BAM it hit me so fast. I guess energy drinks make you unaware of how drunk you are getting. Victoria called me to tell me she had a floor meeting with her RA... the topic of choice was me. They never said my name but she KNEW it was about me. Apparently I blew a .22 in the breathalyzer. That means I pry took 8 shots in 30 minutes that night. I did the math. I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry. My friends all laughed about it but the reality is sinking in. Steve showed a lot of concern Sunday night. I wish I could talk to him about it again. I couldn't tell him the whole truth with megan over my shoulder. And I just wanted to pour my feelings out to him. he pours his out to me ALL the time. Why can't I? I talked about the ”megan being his wing man all weekend” situation to brit and sarah. The two girls that like him (sarah has never admitted it yet but she doesn't have to). Brit thought it was cute so obviously she doesn't care. And sarah said, “maybe hes going to try to make out with you when you guys are tripping on shrooms”.TO EXPLAIN that last statement: no I am not taking shrooms. Before this whole halloween mishap and before when my mother disowned me for wanting to get a purity ring I wanted a release. I planned to trip with Steve. Now I take it back. Its not happening. This is kind of embarrassing but... every time my mind wanders, whether its asleep or just a daydream, I can't get physical and sexual images out of my head with Steve and I. I never thought about things like this when it came to Nick or Dave even. So I don't know if that means I am just deprived or I'm just being an 18 year old girl or that I really want to “fool around” (no sex) with him.I don't know! Megan can only drop so many hints... he needs to say something himself.