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The Destruction Of A Person Builds Character
by CtotheGeewood

previous entry: i went over to vinnie's

next entry: waking up at 6AM

iron & wine

05/12/2009

sigh
i studied for what seemed like 2 seconds but it was actually 4 hours. i think my philosophy exam is going to be quite easy; lets hope. i can't focus on child psych, i don't know why. usually thats the easier of the two for my brain.

vinnie never texted or called me tonight. yeahhhhh he invited me over at 4ish, whatever, but that was it. it was awkward and i left within minutes. i stayed up until 12:30 then realized he wasn't going to call or text. and realized that no one was. and realized that no one has visited my room since meghan has moved out. no steve, no mike, no vinnie, no vanessa, no victoria, am i that hideious? 

im reading new moon and an iron & wine song stuck in my head. edward started to remind me of nick and a few pages later edward dumped bella. haha. oh lovely.

its weird having the room to myself. when everyone was in here saying goodbye, victoria went, "wow. this room is empty now. chelsea, did you add ANY flare to this place? " and i didn't feel hurt until later, when everyone left and i realized the room was dull & dead without meghan's pictures...

i already miss her.

i saw her hot pink high heels in the bathroom tonight. she forgot them even though i told her to check the bathroom. those high heels have been sitting there since the night she first invited me to go out with her; the first night i felt like more than just her roommate. i'm going to make a special trip to her house next week to drop them off and see how she is.

vinnie is different now.... i don't know what it is. i don't know if i did something wrong... i miss him.

i miss smoking with him. i miss making him laugh. i miss talking about stupid shit that i thought i'd forget in moments, but really i can recall every line of every conversation.

nick fell asleep early tonight. i texted him at 9 and he never replied. he must be exhausted, i kept him up until after midnight last night, and he wakes up at 6.... my bad.

nick is so in love with me, its like a dream come true. everytime i have a thought inside my head like, "wow. i wish i could just live with you right now..." hell say, "i wish we had our own house right now". everytime i think "it would be so nice to just share the same bed.." he goes, "i would just love coming home to you and crawling up next to you in bed". i never say things out loud to him, but he says these things to me. i don't think he realizes how much in love with him i am. i really don't.

i just took another look around my dorm and got choked up. my freshmen year is over. its really lonely here. meg and i never talked that much, but its nice just to have another body in the room. maybe it seems worse cause i took her bed over. i feel like im trying to replace her... but i never could. shes far too beautiful and funny and talented and everyone seems to fall in love with her. hence why no one has come over or bothered to text or call me since we said our goodbyes.

wow. i never thought it would hurt this much.

wanna bet that everyone visits tomorrow and i write about how annoyed i am that i didn't get to study, even though im pretty sure i wont be able to study tomorrow either since vinnie wont tell me what was bothering him on friday.

when i went to whisper about the vinnie situation to vanessa she went, "wait wait wait! you lost your virginity!?" i hesitated and just thought "i don't even want to be here anymore. no one gets me" then i told her about vinnie. she agreed that it wasn't about me but she urged me to march upstairs, right then and there, to find out what was bothering him, but i didn't. instead we walked to colonial to eat dinner. i hated it. i miss state quads dining hall, i miss the familiar faces....

people just walked by my window luaghing hysterically and i lost my train of thought. my heart actually went into my stomach. all my windows are closed too... why am i so jumpy?

....anways.... while we were at colonial vinnie texted me, "come over, quick". and i went "oh shit. im on colonial". and he went "oh... text me when you get back". then by the time i got back the excitement (or so what i thought it was) was whiped away and he had a serious face. even when he showed me all his weed and i asked how long hes had it and he told me 3 days and i asked how much he's smoked and he said none cause he was waiting to share it with me. then i said something along the lines of him having other friends who smoke, obviously i know cause i've smoked in their dorms, and he didn't answer to me and told me he'd call me later.

but he didn't.

this boy is insane.

i already miss nick. i hate not knowing if someone is going to be mad at me or happy when i fucking see them. nick is the only person that is the happiest person in the world when i see him.

friday night he was talking about smoking cigarettes with sarah. it doesn't bother me that my friends smoke, especially sarah, shes 3 years younger, let her live a little. but it really bothers me when i think of nick becoming an acutal smoker. if everything stays like it is, i will marry him one day and i will have a life with him, but i don't want him smoking and ending his life any sooner than mine. i love him too much to not care about him smoking.

the next morning he told me he gave quaker his last pack of cigarettes and when i went, "last?" he told me he was never going to smoke another cigarette again in his life.

i believe him.

 

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previous entry: i went over to vinnie's

next entry: waking up at 6AM

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me and dustin made a deal that i would quit smoking and he would quit chewing. and it was really hard for me. i hope you appreciate his sacrifice lol.

[jessn.|0 likes] [|reply]

i think its funny how when i read the book, edward reminded me of mark in some ways.

[lady burtStar|0 likes] [|reply]

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