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The effects of prolonged Psychological trauma an
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24 Oct 2009, 11:13
~*Jodi*~
Post Count: 162
Abuse is something that affects many people. And it causes so many effects that linger into adulthood. For some people, they never get over it. Recently I read an article I found interesting about the effects of prolonged trauma and abuse In Psychology Today. [Full article posted in the Newsworthy diary.]

An excerpt from the article:

Complex Trauma addresses the following (eight) self-functions that may have been damaged by the traumatic experience:

1. The capacity to feel secure and emotionally comfortable in relationships

2. The capacity to feel empowered in relationships with others (via empathic engagement)

3. The skills required for self-awareness.

4. The skills required for affect-regulation and self-soothing

5. The personal sense of boundaries

6. The ability to preserve world beliefs and a sense of meaning

7. The ability to stay “anchored” and “mindful” during stress (as opposed to dissociating)

8. The ability to tolerate a full range of emotions without being overwhelmed or shutting down

---------
I really want feedback from the Bloop community on the article and on the topic of abuse itself. I would like to hear from those who are abuse survivors [sexual, emotional, psychological, etc] out there or those who know someone who have been abused. [I was also abused so I know the effects first-hand.] The effects of abuse don't "just go away" like some people think they will. You have to do something to make them go away. You have to realize that you are suffering from the effects and do something to help yourself.

Please feel free to discuss this topic at length. What do you know about abuse? Were you abused? What do you think of the long-term effects? Or of the article? What treatment methods did you use? Are you feeling better now? Do your effects still linger? Etc, Etc, Etc.
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24 Oct 2009, 11:25
~*Jodi*~
Post Count: 162
The forum title should have been:

"The effects of prolonged Psychological trauma and abuse"

Not sure why the rest of it was cut off.

Sorry about that.
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24 Oct 2009, 16:23
raen
Post Count: 79
I was abused growing up and I can attest to a lot of those listed. When it comes to other people and being stressed out, I turn into a robot and completely separate myself from everyone else. I'm not sure how to get rid of that particular issue since I've been otherwise all right with everything else. It's really frustrating and while my boyfriend is understanding that I had this happen to me, he doesn't understand why I'm like that. I don't care about a lot of things and I have a huge issue I guess with people being in my personal space as well. I'm not a huge fan of casual touching...like if someone were talking and touched my arm while they spoke, I'd tense up and back away pretty quickly. I didn't know I was doing it until about a week ago when a co-worker pointed it out. I couldn't tell them why, though. I shouldn't be, but I'm embarrassed that it happened to me. I didn't even get the worst of it out of all the kids. My older siblings tried to protect me from the really nasty stuff that happened.
I try not to dwell on the whole situation, though. It happened and I can't change what occurred in the past. All I can do is do my best to move on and be happy. One step at a time I guess.
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25 Oct 2009, 23:25
Moonlight Shadows
Post Count: 90
And I definitely identify with a lot of these.. the effects are still very much there and for anyone else who identifies with this I highly recommend DBT or Dialectical Behavioural Therapy. It is extremely helpful in dealing with a lot of this
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26 Oct 2009, 07:24
~*Peace of Mind*~
Post Count: 41
I agree with that. DBT was very helpful for me and a lot of other people I know.
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27 Oct 2009, 22:02
~*Jodi*~
Post Count: 162
You also have PTSD, like I do, right? Did you find the DBT was helpful with that as well?
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29 Oct 2009, 03:11
~*Peace of Mind*~
Post Count: 41
Yeah I do. DBT was very helpful for dealing with that. One of the things they teach you in DBT is Distress Tolerance Skills and how to deal with your emotions in a healthy and effective way. :-D
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25 Oct 2009, 04:32
Miss
Post Count: 239
i'm a sexual abuse survivor. nobody really knows that, because i am perfectly fine and happy now, thanks to my faith/family/ and friends :) it is definitely embarrassing though, but i know it shouldn't be. a guess a big result of it was that i close myself off to people very often, and i guess i come across as being "stand off-ish" because it's more comfortable for me to stick with what i know and who i know.
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25 Oct 2009, 04:59
Makayla
Post Count: 751
Me & my boyfriend were both abused as children both sexually, mentally, & physically. I know our biggest issues are trust. We have both built up a wall to protect ourselves from the world it's so hard to let someone in. Personally, being sexually abused affected me the most, because any man that was a father figure to me tried to touch me. So growing up I thought that was the only way I could get love from a man was to have sex with them. I also turned to drugs & alcohol because I felt alone & the only thing that made me feel better was to be numbed by them. I hate that I still feel like a victim, I hate talking about what happened to me with anyone so I haven't gotten counseling for it, but I do know I need it & it would do a lot of good for me. My boyfriend went through counseling after he was adopted at 14. He says it didn't help, because at that point he had just shut down from the world. Nothing anyone said to him would change what happened to him before or change the way he felt. He is very cold-hearted & hard to get close too. The only person that has broken that wall down for him is our daughter. He is the best father! I think the life he lived made him want to give his daughter a great life. It made him want to be the opposite of his mom.
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27 Oct 2009, 13:43
~*Jodi*~
Post Count: 162
I was abused in my childhood by my step-father who was around me since I was born. He abused me in every other way except sexually: emotional, psychological, physical. Because it was someone that is supposed to protect you - a parent - then you do end up with problems with trust, because that's someone who a child is supposed to feel comfortable around, someone who is supposed to make them feel good not make them feel bad. Also, my mother was there and she pretty much allowed it to happen. She did not stand up for me at all, and that was yet another parent who I was supposed to be able to trust who I couldn't trust. I ended up having to learn to stand up to myself - to a parent. So that caused me deep problems with trust issues over the years. It also caused self-esteem problems that I have just in the past 5 years gotten a grip on.

If the people that you're supposed to be able to trust most in the world fail you and you feel you can't trust them, then how could you ever trust anyone else? You feel like you deserve to be treated that way, and you wonder why your parent is abusing you - and you wonder what you will ever have to do to gain their acceptance and love. You feel like it's your fault and you deserve it - so then when you do get into a relationship with someone and they treat you badly and abuse you [no matter what kind of abuse it is] you already feel like you deserve to be treated that way. You don't feel like you deserve better, and the only thing that you are seeking in the world is love, because you didn't feel loved as a child. So you hang on to any kind of love that comes, even if it's abusive love.

It's hard to gain control over your life and realize that you are better than that, you don't deserve to be abused, and that someone else in your life will love you - that you don't have to stay with someone who treats you badly. Because one thing the abuser wants to say is, "nobody will ever love you again" or "I'm the only person who will ever love you" and for some reason, we believe them. We think that nobody will ever love us again, that we are not worthy of being loved. So when someone does love us, we just cling to it. That's one reason abused women don't leave bad relationships. People wonder why they stay and that's one reason. It takes a lot of work on your part on the inside to overcome that feeling of "what if nobody ever does love me again" and "what if this is the best I can get?"
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27 Oct 2009, 13:50
Makayla
Post Count: 751
I know exactly how you feel. I hung on to boyfriend who were physically & verbally abusive to me for years! Even at the tender age of 14. I had a boyfriend that would slap me, pinch me, bite me, etc. He never punched me in the face (I always said that would be the last straw) but even if he did I doubt I would have left. The ONLY way I got enough strength to leave him was when I saw him with another girl. Giving that love to someone else.
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27 Oct 2009, 14:29
~*Jodi*~
Post Count: 162
I had several boyfriends over the years do things to me that were psychologically or emotionally abusive. [I was raped by someone as well, but I don't consider that being sexually abused - even though that definitely makes you feel vulnerable and weak. It was not by a boyfriend or someone that I trusted.]

But over the years, I stayed in abusive situations because I really thought that nobody would ever love me...and that stemmed directly from my step-dad telling me as a kid that "nobody would ever love me" and "I would never amount to anything" and I was "worthless and useless and stupid" etc, etc, etc. If someone tells you that every day, eventually you start to believe it.

I ended up spending so many years of my life trying to PROVE to my step-dad that I was worth something, that I would be something, that someone would love me. No matter what I did, it was never good enough for him - I made straight A's, graduated a year early, was ranked 2nd in my class, worked my way through college so it's not like I was a bad kid. I was incredibly smart, made a 28 on the ACT, in the Talented and Gifted Program from 2nd grade all the way on, was one of Who's Who of College Students, made the Dean's list, etc, etc. It really didn't matter what I did though - I never felt like he was going to be proud of me. I felt like he was never going to love me.

Around 5 years ago, or maybe 6, I finally had to forgive him and forgive myself and forgive my mom for what happened to me. I actively forgave my mom for not being there, for not standing up for me, for allowing it to happen. I didn't realize how much resentment I held toward her for what had happened, how angry I was at her for not standing up for her own daughter while she was being beaten and called stupid and yelled at, etc, etc. I also had to forgive myself and realize that I was just a kid, and that hurt people hurt people. They did that because of things in their own childhood that they carried into life, and they were very young when I was born. I was 14 when they were my age, so they were way too young to have the responsibility of a family. [that's one reason I try to discourage young people now from rushing into marriage or parenthood. They have no idea what they're getting into.]

I thought of all the good things that my dad had taught me over the years and tried to see if there was any positive to what had happened to me. And I wrote him a letter and told him what the positive things were that I learned from him, told him I forgave him and understood that he was just a young kid who did the best that he could. And I ended it by saying "I hope that one day you will be proud of me". I told my mom about it, and she asked him about it one day when he stopped by her house.

He told her that he would keep that letter forever, that it meant the world to him, that he felt bad for what he'd done to me, and that he had always been and would always be proud of me and he loved me more than he ever knew how to express.

And that was my first step at forgiveness and at letting go of some of the effects I had. People underestimate the power of forgiveness, but there is more power in it than we would like to admit. Just because we forgive does not mean that we are saying that what they did was "okay".
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27 Oct 2009, 14:39
Makayla
Post Count: 751
Definately agree. Forgiveness is not only for the other person but it is for yourself as well. I need to learn to forgive the 2 men in my life for what they did. I will never trust them, but I don't want to carry the grudge around on my back all my life. The bad thing about forgiveness with me is one of the men (my father) denied that it ever happened. The other man (my step-grandfather) admitted to it, but after he tried to shot himself in the head a week after it happened everyone blamed me for it because I was trying to go to therapy (because the therapist would have to report it if I continued seeing her). So I had to quit therapy to keep my abuser out of jail. I have a lot of resentment for my grandmother for staying with my step-grandfather after what he did to me. But it's hard to tell someone you forgive them when they never acknowledged it happened or when your entire family blames you for him trying to commit suicide. I believe if I ever brought it back up again everyone would get mad at me. I have had to deal with the shame & guilt all my life that my family brought on to me. It took me many years to realize that I had done nothing wrong. All my teenage years I placed all the blame on myself for what happened to me as a kid. I thought that I was the one who was coming on to them, etc. It took a lot of soul searching to realize that I wasn't the one who did something wrong. So forgiveness it something that is really hard for me to do.
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27 Oct 2009, 15:08
~*Jodi*~
Post Count: 162
I was listening to a psychologist on TV one day [I think it was Dr. Phil], and he said, that resentment and grudges are like a prison but the only prisoner is you. It doesn't hurt anyone else that you have those feelings; it only hurts you. Because the people that you have those feelings for don't care that you are angry at them or have feelings of resentment toward them, meanwhile it's holding you prisoner and holding you back from moving forward in your life - and they are free to move forward in their lives.

I am really sorry about what happened to you, and I can understand why you struggle with forgiveness. It is really hard to forgive when you feel scared that everyone is going to be mad at you if you bring it up or if they don't admit it. But you don't have to bring it up to them in order to forgive. And it was not your fault. Not at all. You were a kid and you were hurt by people who were supposed to protect you and love you unconditionally, not hurt you. At the very least, forgive yourself for that - because it's not your fault at all.

None of my ex's admitted that what they had done to me was abuse - and when I even told them what they did was abusive during the relationship it only made the situation worse, because they did not think that it was abuse. I guess they had their own issues from their lives that were causing them to be abusive. I really do think that people who are hurt end up hurting others. Sometimes they think that what they are doing is normal.

I even thought it was normal for a while. Because of what my step dad had done and the way he had talked to me when I was a kid, when my boyfriends started doing it I was like "oh, this is normal" or "I must deserve this" because it was what I knew my whole life. Children learn what the live. There was that part of me that, early on, didn't think there was anything wrong with what they were doing and felt like I deserved it or that there must be something wrong with me if everyone was treating me that way.

And there were a few things I did to contribute to it... I chose the same types of abusive men over and over, most were alcoholics as well, just like my stepdad was. I did not walk away at the first sign of abuse. I kept allowing it to happen because I thought I deserved it when there was that part of me that kept saying "you know you don't deserve to be talked to like you're a dog"... You know it was almost like because my dad didn't love me as a kid, that I was determined to find someone like him who would love me and treat me right - but if they were like him, they weren't ever going to do that. He was not treated right as a kid and he was an alcoholic, and so were they - a lot of them had been abused as a child also so they took it out on me and they drank a lot to numb the pain they felt and they abused me because that's what they knew to do. They wanted control over me and over the situation because they couldn't control what happened to them as children either. It's almost like I was trying to win his love through them because they were like him.

And there were times when I turned out to be the controlling one, too. I'd bitch and complain about things that didn't matter and threaten and say things I shouldn't have said to have some sense of control over the relationship because I felt so out of control over the things that had happened to me.

I know people who have some of these effects and they don't even want to do anything about it, to acknowledge that they act the way they do, or try to stop their behaviors and it makes me wonder if when they have kids they won't turn out to be controlling and/or abusive to them as well. Some people do follow in the footsteps of their abusers.

Abuse is a very vicious cycle. And if we don't stop it - then we will end up feeding into that cycle more and more and more.
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27 Oct 2009, 15:33
Makayla
Post Count: 751
Ya know, my step-grandfather was sexually abused as a child then sexually abused me. I can not understand how someone goes from being a victim to an abuser. First of all, I don't understand how anyone could ever want to touch a child in a sexually manner. Secondly, I can not understand how they can put someone else through what they went through themselves. I just can not phantom what is going through their minds.
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27 Oct 2009, 17:12
~*Jodi*~
Post Count: 162
I don't know how people sexually abuse kids either. I find it disgusting. At the same time, I do know that alot of sexual abuser were abused themselves, and it messed up their heads so then they turn around and do the same thing to other people.
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27 Oct 2009, 17:16
~*Jodi*~
Post Count: 162
Oh, and I wanted to thank you for talking about this subject. It helps to talk about things with people who have gone through those things and who understand because they've been there. Sometimes ONLY people who have been there can truly understand and empathize. Everyone else just doesn't "get it". You know?
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27 Oct 2009, 17:21
Makayla
Post Count: 751
Oh you're very welcome & they same here I thank you for sharing with me what you have learned from your experiences. What has helped me the most (since I didn't get a chance to have therapy) is talking to those you have been through the same thing & we have learnt to help each other.
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27 Oct 2009, 13:56
Makayla
Post Count: 751
Also I think when you are abused as a child. You never learn what love really is. You think just because someone tells you they love you, they do. Because you have never really been shown love. Until you feel love you will never know what it truly is.
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27 Oct 2009, 17:15
~*Jodi*~
Post Count: 162
I totally agree with this, too. You never do learn what real, true love is because the love that you are exposed to as a child is twisted and distorted so then you have a distorted view of love in your life.

I used to take the blame for everything that happened. I thought that "everything is my fault" and I didn't mind just taking the responsibility and internalizing it. But there came a point when I was talking to my mom [who was sexually abused as a kid] and she said "You can only be responsible for what YOU do. You can't help what other people do" and I realized she was right about that.

I have struggled for years with issues stemming from that abuse. There are effects that people live with every day from being abused or even watching other people being abused. That's one reason that I posted that topic in the forums, even if it is a little uncomfortable for some people to talk about. I know people who have been abused and who want to act like the effects aren't happening and sweep it under the rug. They think that one day they're going to wake up and magically they won't act the way they do anymore but that's not how it works.

I used to be like that myself. I used to think that one day when XYZ happened, I wouldn't be such a bitch anymore. I wouldn't be such a perfectionist or such a control freak. I wouldn't be so irritable and angry and bitter and resentful and miserable. I was one of those people who would "be happy when"... Only "when" came and I still wasn't happy. Because it doesn't work that way. I had to do something to change that because it was only making MY life miserable to continue being that way. It wasn't hurting the people who hurt me to stay in this prison of anger and resentment.

But I stayed in that prison for a long time because it came from childhood, and in some ways I felt like I deserved the treatment that I got. But I didn't deserve it. Nobody deserves it. I felt like it was normal, but it wasn't normal. Children learn what they live. For example, if you watch your parents fight and your dad talks to your mom like she's scum, then you're going to think that's how a relationship works. So when your boyfriend comes along and talks to you like you're scum, then you think that's okay and normal. And yet it's not - and it causes residual effects in you that last for years and years and years.

And it's not easy to get over those things. Not by a long shot, but you have to do something or you will stay right in that same spot you're in forever. I didn't want to be that totally miserable person for the rest of my life. I knew that I had to make a change and do something to change myself on the inside. It's true that if you're not happy with yourself then you'll never be happy with someone else, and one of the effects of being abused is that you're not happy with yourself on the inside and you are never happy with anyone else because of that.

And I'm still a work in progress. It's not over by a long shot, but I am getting "better".
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29 Oct 2009, 09:45
Sarah*
Post Count: 63
"Also I think when you are abused as a child. You never learn what love really is"
Yes, exactly. Or, the child grows up with the distorted view that "love" is being sexually abused, or hit etc etc.
If a child has grown up being regularly sexually abused by, e.g., their father then they may grow up with the belief that this is the "normal" way in which a father shows his love for his child. Unless there is intervention then the child may keep this view and this is a way that abused children can go on to become abusers.

I've known children who won't believe you "love" them or care for them unless you are hurting them.
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25 Oct 2009, 06:50
Minda Hey Hey™
Post Count: 330
I was abused in just about every aspect except sexually. Because of that I've learned to put up walls and I can honestly say I trust no one, not even a little bit. I always feel like somebody is out to get me and I won't allow people to get close enough to hurt me and if they do wind up hurting me I don't show them. I close myself off emotionally to a certain point that way people can't take advantage of my feelings, I call it a defense mechanism and I've been this way for a few years now. I'm sure I need to talk to someone but I don't want to talk about it and would rather pretend it didn't exist and like I said before, that's where the trusting no one comes in. Even if they are professional, it's just not something I'm willing to talk about with anyone. Hardly any of my family realizes how bad the abuse was and neither do my friends. Most of the time though I've learned to hide it and can most of the time be happy but sometimes certain things will trigger the memories and it's very hard to let go because some of them are very terrifying to even think about. For the people to say that it "goes away" no, it does not. You either learn to deal with it or talk about it, and try to move on and make the best of what you have. I had one therapist tell me I suffered from PTSD but it wasn't from my abuse but from some of my childhood which I don't think is very likely because my childhood wasn't bad at all and the therapist I don't feel, actually listened to me. I'm not sure if it is in fact PTSD, but it is definitely something.
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25 Oct 2009, 23:21
Moonlight Shadows
Post Count: 90
I'm really sorry to hear that :( Isn't that a lonely life though? To trust absolutely nobody?
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27 Oct 2009, 13:10
~*Jodi*~
Post Count: 162
Are you sure that it wasn't something that happened in your childhood? Even something small could trigger something. People who have wonderful childhoods and amazing self-esteem are less likely to allow a boyfriend to abuse them later in life, because they already know that they don't deserve to be treated that way. People who have abusive childhoods, or even one little event in their childhood that scarred their self-esteem, are more likely to 'allow' abuse to happen in their relationships.

And of course, I can't say for sure, because I don't know about your childhood. Normally, when you talk about yourself and your life - you start with your life since you've been grown and you begin at the relationship in which you suffered the abuse. It's like your life didn't start until then and it's defined by that point.

You're not the only one who suffers from these effects, though. I do too. It's a struggle everyday to deal with some of these things that began early in my life. I'm getting better, but it's not gone away completely.
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25 Oct 2009, 10:37
Minda Hey Hey™
Post Count: 330
I forgot to add and I've had people say to me that even the littlest things irritate me, it doesn't take much these days. I don't know if it's because I feel like I'm surrounded by stupid people or if because of what I went through really changed me that much. I've also realized that I get angry more easily than I used to and it scares me sometimes. Of course people in real life don't witness this that much because I try my best to hide it so I don't bug them with my problems. It's just what I've learned to do.
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