and if the people stare, then the people stare...

01/06/2010

I called up the sexual health clinic today after reading all the information they'd had about their counselling services - they're free, so I decided they were worth a try - if they're no good, I won't have wasted anything but a little time. They gave me an appointment for tomorrow, which was very unexpected, and now my stomach is in knots. I suppose it's better than ages away, it stops me having time to mull it over and change my mind like a fool.

I also called my own doctor - as I said, I want this done officially as well. They also gave me an appointment for tomorrow - I'll have to rush from one to the other, but I wasn't about to say no to such fortune. It seems like a sign, in a strange way.

I can't believe I'm doing this, and yet I know it's right. I'm both terrified of the future, and excited about it. Anxious and relieved. Confused, yet nothing's ever been clearly. I've become a contradiction.

I'm really most scared of other people and their reaction. And yet, I know that the sooner I start 'coming out' to people, the easier it will be. I'm just terribly afraid of who might disappoint me. But maybe I should just be hopeful for who might surprise me.

So far... my parents know, of course. And a guy from work. And that's it. Ugh. I don't know why... ha, I felt I should tell Matt before anyone else!

No, I know why. It was because... although he is a friend, he's not the closest friend ever, and if he didn't accept it, then it wouldn't hurt as much as someone closer running from me. He was... me testing the waters, I suppose. I was pleasantly surprised. He wiped my tears away, hugged me, told me he wasn't going anywhere... I don't know how some people are just so accepting. He takes everything in his stride, it's disconcerting but wonderful. He's promised not to say a word to anyone else at work. I asked him not to, and he sort of snorted "well, obviously!" I work with some right dickheads. I know I'll have to say something eventually unless I want to switch jobs - which might be even harder - ugh, not quite the time to be worrying about that yet. But my mind can't seem to help but get carried away, even though I remind myself I have to take baby steps if I want to stop myself going crazy.

I'll see how it goes tomorrrow. I'll either be more of a contradictory mess of emotions or it will calm me. Either way, it's the first step - the first tiny step, even if it feels like stepping over the edge of a cliff.