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Shadows Of Fantasia........
by I Fear Who I Am Beco

previous entry: We Are Alive...

next entry: The Rose Colored Glasses Of Counterfeit Love...

Not Good Eough...

03/16/2021

I am in Florida with Lanette...I love this place for sure. I am in alot of pain and its been hard trying to get it under control. We went riding and bathed 2 out of the 4 horses today. Seemed to bond with the one, Magnum. I am having a really hard time with a few things. It is very hard to be myself in this situation. I feel this every time I am at someone elses house, its like a being dependant on them, in a way even if you have your own money. I absolutely adore Lanette I feel like shes a mother figure to me and a friend, and thats how I have viewed her for a very long time. 

I am however having a hard time with a few things, and its hard for me to even type about them but here we go. 1. I feel like I have to overcompensate for my lack of ability to work as hard as her. Its actually really draining me, on the inside because I find myself in the moment alright, but its every moment wondering if I spilt something, if I left something out, if I dirtied somethig up with my big fat disgusting sef. Right? And the more I am around her the more I care about her, but the more I feel like shes disappointed in me and does not love me like she did before I came here. That might all be in my head but I d k. I just wanna be me. Im silly, and make stupid mistakes and i am clumsy because of my brain damage, and I trip over things, and I have to hold onto things to hold myelf up and I drop shit all of the freaking time. Its like...NO ONE IS THAT PERFECT. And it scares me because if somethign were to happen and she decides that I am too lazy, or idiotic, or not worth keeping around, I have no way home. I have been treated like shit my whole life, and I really want this to work out so that things are okay. I dont wanna cause problems for anyone but I feel so inadequete for the work that needs to be done here, because she does NOT realize how sick and hte amount of pain I am in. I hide htings. I have mentioned this a few times but i dont wanna make a big deal outta things but I also dont wanna bottle things up. Im sitting here in tears typing this. I have alot more that is in and on my heart. but I cant do it right now. <3

previous entry: We Are Alive...

next entry: The Rose Colored Glasses Of Counterfeit Love...

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Well, whatever you are feeling, it is best to write it out, rather than keep inside. I used to feel as you do, and sometimes still do. Though, i try to count my blessings. Do you read? There is an author i like: Jen Hatmaker. Her self-help book, “fierce, free, and on fire”that really hit home with me. I bought it off amazon. Keep writing your feelings here. Try to set goals for yourself. NO ONE is perfect—- you hear?




[Ethan JamesStar|0 likes] [|reply]

THANK YOU. I really needed this. LOVE you. <3

[I Fear Who I Am BecoStar|0 likes] [|reply]






Oh, i still feel this way sometimes. Though now i realize some things are beyond your control and you can’t try to control the things you can, because you’ll just be a basket case. My mother tries to control EVERYTHING, right to the point where she tells my father which way to go while he’s driving the car. It’s crazy. She’s nervous all the time. And i can’t live like that.




[Ethan JamesStar|0 likes] [|reply]

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