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Fritos and Bean Dip
by Lady Cherbear573

previous entry: Stolen from a random somebody

next entry: And then the van crashed into MY HOUSE! ON TV EVEN!!

Re: Swine flu - a memo I received yesterday.

04/30/2009

April 28, 2009
To: All Associates
From: Stanislaus Foswapivick, M.D., M.P.H., A.F.L-CIO, RIAA, U.N.C.L.E.
Assistant Vice President–Rumormongering and Riot Incitation
Subject: Safety first – precautions against swine flu

Yesterday the World Health Organization (WHO) raised the level of influenza pandemic alert from phase 3 to phase 4. This means that:

· The likelihood of a pandemic has increased by a factor of 1. No one knows what this means.
· Data demonstrates human-to-human, swine-to-human, human-to-swine, and mongoose-to-goldfish transmission, and the ability of the virus to cause community-level outbreaks in uninhabited areas.

We have had no reports of swine flu at any of our facilities, nor among any of our associates, but are sure that it's only a matter of time before someone tries to take a day off because of it.

We certainly don’t want to over-react more than necessary, as the numbers of those affected by swine flu are still relatively low and cases in the U.S., at least, have so far been considered mild to annoying. However, in light of the increased risk of spreading this illness, we recommend all employees panic at the earliest opportunity to get it out of the way. In addition, try these easy steps to avoid infection. (Note that none of these steps are proven to do anything useful, but we hope that they will make you feel empowered.)

· Avoid close contact with people who are sick. Some people may be faking wellness; avoid them as well. And that guy in accounting who claims to have "Allergies" ? Shun him at all costs.

Close contact with swine is also to be avoided, as is contact with people who eat too much ham, like bacon, or snort when they laugh. And mimes. Definitely avoid mimes.

· When you are sick, stay home and keep your distance from others. We suggest digging a shallow grave in your backyard; the exercise will do you good, and it will be appreciated by those you leave behind when the swine flu causes you to spontaneously combust.

· Cover your mouth and nose with a tissue when coughing or sneezing. Cover the mouth and nose of those around you who are coughing, sneezing, belching, riverdancing, snoring, or grinding their teeth. Preferably with a pillow.

· Wash your hands thoroughly and often. Every 6 minutes should do it. Use plenty of soap, scalding hot water, disinfectant, antibacterial moisturizer, and a dash of pickle juice for flavor.

· Avoid touching your eyes, nose, mouth, children, neighbors, and television remote controls. If you absolutely must touch one of these filthy disgusting items, use your elbow. Or a stick.

· Practice other good health habits – get plenty of sleep, be physically active, manage your stress, drink plenty of fluids, eat nutritious food, cut down on your smoking, cut down on your heroin intake, cut down on hog juggling, and above all else, cut down on going to work.

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0 likes, 26 comments

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Hahahaha.
This is the best memo ever.

Really.

[-kayStar|0 likes] [|reply]

Haha that's awesome. This whole media-instituted panic is actually entertaining me to no end. If they chose to track the regular flu like this, they could scare the hell out of everyone far more effectively than this...the death rate is much higher

i'm not much for conspiracy theory...but this is definitely being orchestrated to distract people from the far more serious current problems.

[survey this|0 likes] [|reply]

lmfao <3 it!

[~ladida*layouts~|0 likes] [|reply]

Funny. xD

[lithium layouts.Star|0 likes] [|reply]

Hahaha that was hilarious.

[Kate.Monster|0 likes] [|reply]

HAHA!

[The Only Blitch.|0 likes] [|reply]

intresting. Although there has only been 2 cases of "3rd person contact" of it. Otherwise the person infected MUST have traveled to mexico recently

[Meghans FollieStar|0 likes] [|reply]

LOL! That is great. More memos should be of this nature!

[mixieStar|0 likes] [|reply]

[ddfrogerStar|0 likes] [|reply]

Hahahaha XD

[GiggleStar|0 likes] [|reply]

This was great! We keep getting memos about this because we work with the hospital; this is the first one that made sense! Thanks for the laugh.

[teddybearlady|0 likes] [|reply]

HAHAHA! GOSH, THE PANIC IS SO DAFT, YO! MORE PEOPLE DIE EACH YEAR FROM NORMAL FLU THAN HAVE DIED FROM THIS SWINE FLU. BUT I WILL CERTAINLY BEAR IN MIND THAT IT IS NOT ADVISABLE TO JUGGLE HOGS, YO, AND CUT THAT ACTIVITY OUT FROM MY DAILY ROUTINE! ***CLICK MY EGGZ && BABY DRAGONZ, YO!

[ LADY PUCKStar|0 likes] [|reply]

Thank You, as my eggs are dying! And my roommate would NEVER ask me that, if anything thats one of the many CRAZY joke questions I would ask him!I will click yours if you click mine!

[grunge.|0 likes] [|reply]

oh my goodness, where did you find this? it is brilliant!

[valerieeeeeStar|0 likes] [|reply]

Love it!

[Fearylynn|0 likes] [|reply]

I totally commented on this before it made RC. That makes me cool. xD

[lithium layouts.Star|0 likes] [|reply]

lol

[Meghans FollieStar|0 likes] [|reply]

LOL that's awesome

[lady blackbird.Star|0 likes] [|reply]

(random reader) lol- that's fantastic.

[Sphinx|0 likes] [|reply]

Yeah yeah yeah....blah blah blah...

I know where you got it from.

So...don'tcha go gittin' on yer high horse just because ya think yer cool now because you got RC'd.

I know MOST of yer secrets chiqa!

And one of these days...I'm tellin yer mom!!!

[ZenJen|0 likes] [|reply]

OMGWTFBBQ!!!!1 WHY IS THIS TERRIBLY SHOCKING EVIL STUFF ON RC, YO? YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED!***CLICK MY EGGZ && BABY DRAGONZ, YO!

[ LADY PUCKStar|0 likes] [|reply]

Hahaha. This is great!

[♥ HollieStar|0 likes] [|reply]

lol, cute!

[stars may collideStar|0 likes] [|reply]

That's just amazing.

[l'etoileStar|0 likes] [|reply]

Lol this is great. I'm so annoyed with people freaking out about the swine flu. We have a confirmed case of the swine flu in a town that I recently visited and now my friend won't even touch me because she's afraid of getting the swine flu. *rolls eyes*

[Aspiring Boxer|0 likes] [|reply]

this swine flu nonsense is getting retarded
the ONLY confirmed case in London, Ontario...has recovered and is back to living a NORMAL LIFE.
they made such a HUGE deal out of something that has turned out to be nothing more than a flu bug.

cleanliness should happen all the time, not just when there is some "scary" flu going around.

people get so bent out of shape over stupid thing.

also, i love your entry layout. that cupcake is so wicked, and the quote is too cute

[- misseriin*Star|0 likes] [|reply]

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