 | | |
begin.
Have you ever thought you alone knew someone better than anyone else in the world? Have you ever thought that about someone you loved as a best friend? Have you ever thought that for so long that you had forgotten all of the parts of that person's life that you weren't a part of?
Because I was just reminded of those times.
Note: This entry ended up being WAAAAY longer than I thought it would, but I'm not changing it. I needed this more than I knew when I started typing.
All through 7th grade. Now, I know it seems really trivial and young, but my 7th grade year was most certainly a pivotal year in my entire life. I was going through puberty, starting to really stand out as smart in actually difficult academic ways. I was realizing that I was gay, though I didn't accept it due to my upbringing. I watched as every single one of my friends was separated from me because of the way that school was set up. I gained new friends and lost some others in ways that likely changed who I am. I realized that being best friends with someone doesn't mean that you go to his or her house, but that it means being there for someone when it counts. I learned that people I love get sick, and that people I love have to die. I learned that everyone is different and that life is tough.
But most of all I learned that my best friends wasn't who I thought she was.
In 7th grade I was extremely naive, as any kid at that age is. I believed every word my parents, my church, and any school official told me. I had only recently learned that not all adults tell the truth, but I hadn't yet grasped that everyone lies. So when I found out that my best friend in the whole world, whom I called Taylor up until that point, had made a ton of new friends who hung out every single weekend, I was devastated. She was my everything at that point. I had no one social to hang out with. I talked to her so rarely that year because we had no classes together and we no longer lived near each other. Worse yet, I later discovered that these parties involved alcohol, much to my disapproval. I did know enough about friendship to not tell anyone else, of course. But getting a drunken phone call from someone who had completely changed scarred my poor little 13-year-old head.
These new friends already knew many other Taylors. And it is true, saying Taylor could get a response from about six different people at Tunstall. So people called her, fittingly enough, by her last name, Slaughter. This was a mouthful (and slightly violent), so it was shortened to the still-used name Slaw.
This new Slaw still cared for me. I talked to her, but our interests were slowly becoming more and more different. Was it physical separation, or her new friends' influence? I didn't know, but she had different musical tastes, different rules at home allowing her to go out much more and much later, different ways of treating her parents, and so on. She didn't become a delinquent or an asshole; these changes were very subtle.
I didn't know who she was. And, therefore, I didn't know who I was. Who was my best friend? Who did I hang out with? What did I do? I can't remember my answers. I think, in this time, I turned more to church, which further drove me from accepting my sexuality. Some may say that was a godsend, but, to me, that's hell. I had no real friends. Sure, I talked to people in all of my classes. I didn't become a hermit or anything. I just didn't have anyone that I could go to if I really needed someone. On Myspace, which was actually big at the time, surveys always depressed me because honestly filling them out would make me look like a total loser.
So I tried to get a girlfriend who was close to Slaw, as I now somewhat-reluctantly called her. Sarena was a cute girl that hung out with Slaw's clan. We had Civics together, so I dropped a few elementary-style hints and we mutually decided to "go out". Of course, this is still just 13-year-old "love", so we basically IMed all the time. Once we got to the hang-out stage (middle school relationships were surprisingly complex in dynamics. One was required to know many rules), we went on one date, to the movies or something. Anyway, this was near the end of school and during one of those classes people had stopped caring about, we were all eating popcorn. Long story short, Sarena and another girl were talking on the other side of the room and a bit later that girl brought me a note written on the popcorn bag in Sarena's handwriting. This wasn't uncommon, we had sent these cute little notes before. I read it, and it was a breakup note. I got fucking teased and everything. I didn't cry or even get upset, of course. Deep down I even knew I was gay. But these ruthless little Satan-children kept harassing me for being "a bad boyfriend".
After my failed experiment, summer came at last. I didn't know what this meant for me and Slaw, but I had a good feeling. Slaw, me, and Jonny (was Jonathon, also got a name change. He didn't hang out with Slaw's friends though, just Slaw, like I did. This made me like him) planned to go over to Jesse's house, a friend we had kept up with since Kindergarten. At some point Slaw's parents came back to announce that Slaw's mom, Angie, had multiple tumors and cancer. We all consoled her; the doctors had said that most was benign and that the malignant ones could be easily zapped. Time passed and Angie's health declined. School started back up, 8th grade.
I had finally gotten closer to Slaw over the summer, but the damn school's two-side system with scheduling separated me from Slaw once again. ---
I'm going to break out of the story for a second here to explain the school's system. In sixth grade two teachers share students so that each teacher only teaches two subjects. Homerooms stay together, so it is much like elementary school. In seventh grade, a math option opens so that students can't stay grouped by homeroom. Therefore, students mix up like high school, with one difference: there are two "teams" of teachers. Each team has one teacher for each subject, and students don't cross teams. For this reason, I was separated from Slaw because we could NOT have any classes together. 8th grade worked the same way.
--- However, this time I had Jonny with me, a guy Slaw had secretly been crushing on. Furthermore, the teams were more mixed up, so I got more of my other friends to talk to. French class also helped me make stronger friendships in a smaller class.
Anyway, Jonny and I, in addition to a plethora of her new friends I still hadn't met, had all tried to help Slaw through this time with her mom sick. Angie got worse and worse, and Slaw discovered that the cancer was in fact incurable and terminal. Angie died and everyone in the entire school felt her sorrow. Angie was a great mom which many, many people knew in such a small town.
I organized a lot to try to make Slaw feel better, including an enormous card most people in the school signed (which is still in her room). Slaw still felt terrible, and certainly lost her faith during this time. I hadn't drifted from religion over the summer, I had walked away looking straight ahead to my future. I knew that, though I wasn't someone of faith, Slaw might be. I tried to get her to talk to a pastor of some sort who could explain this so she would know that God didn't hate her, and that unfairness wasn't a reason to give up faith. This didn't help, so I gave that up. She knew I wasn't trying to convert her as much as help, so she forgave me.
The year came and went quickly, and high school was upon us. In the past year I had transformed from the quiet guy to the closet-gay, outgoing guy who certainly had Slaw as a best friend. In high school we got classes together and I went places with her more often. I got close to the people I used to resent and started going to those dreaded parties. I still haven't gotten drunk or anything, but I certainly am not innocent any more.
And to think how much Slaw has changed my life!
Who would I be if I was on the other team in 7th grade? In 8th grade? What if I had given up on Slaw and moved on to other friends? What if I had focused all of my energy on school and became best friends with Morgan and the churchy/smarty people? What if I had kept my faith in God? What if... what if... what if...
Who would I be? Who would Slaw be? Would I still accept my sexuality? Would I hate myself if I had never come out to Slaw? September, when I told her, seems like it was so long ago!
What would have happened? How would life be different? What would my future have held? What does it hold due to these decisions?
Who knew how pivotal two years in a middle schooler's life could be?end. | | |
lithium layouts. |
Loading...
