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Bah
Its 12:30, and I really should be asleep considering I have so much to do later. I tried- I've been laying in bed for the past hour just listening to Marc sleep... I'm lost in my head somewhere and my thoughts won't stop yelling at me long enough to doze off. I just keep thinking of whats ahead of me. Cold feet? Maybe. I feel like I have too much on my plate right now, but I know in reality I don't. I just feel overwhelmed right now, and I think I'm PMSy, so that doesn't help.
Today was rough- Marc was tired and agitated because of work and he's got a lot on his plate as well but that's his story to tell so I won't tell it. When he gets edgy like he was today, it makes me feel quiet because I don't want to be the target of his aggression, but its a lose/lose situation because by me being quiet, I end up being the target anyway. So that was that, and when we wake up it'll be a new and hopefully productive day.
Then my mind went to money and how I put my money into Marc's account because I had to cash a check, and I don't have a local bank... and he used his card and now there isn't quite enough money for my security deposit Saturday but he says he'll put it back when he gets paid later on. I'm sure he will- he's good about that sort of thing.
I also have the Eric situation on my mind. I was thinking of the movie, "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". I was thinking that even though I understand the moral of the story, I can't help but find solace in the idea that if I could just forget then I would be able to settle. If I never knew what it felt like to be so closely connected to someone, then maybe I wouldn't lie in bed next to a man who is absolutely wonderful towards me and cry. And I tried to justify it all. Eric walked away from us. He never did anything for us, other than move us out here to Ohio and then leave us here like yesterday's news. He did this, and now I have something so much better... Why does it hurt this much? I don't remember ever falling asleep in his arms, and Marc can't get enough of me as long as I don't have my guard up. Why am I punishing Marc and myself at the same time over someone who decided that he didn't want us until he was already gone?
Logic has never appealed to me much. I spoke to Brittni about it the other day and she said that when you feel so strongly about someone that's gone from your life, you never really get over it. I asked her for some words of encouragement, or discouragement depending on how you view it, and she said that after almost 2 years of having no contact with her ex who she was with until the day he went to prison (which was about 5 years), she said that 2 years later the sting is still there. Granted, for me its only been three months, but it feels like its been forever.
I guess its kind of like my piercings. I used to have a ton, and one of them I recently opened back up. It had mostly closed, but not all the way, and I thought it would be really neat to put it back in. It was neat, briefly, and then I looked in the mirror and realized it just wasn't me anymore. I look at the scarred holes in my face every day as a memory of who I was- where I came from and where I've been. Its nostalgic and bittersweet. They just aren't me anymore, but they were fun at the time.
Maybe that's just what I need to think about to go to sleep. I'm feeling more peaceful already.
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