im not killing myself dont worry haha lol.
ive been sitting here crying my eyes out for the past 6 hours straight. everyones left me see. and i have no one to call anymore. ive had so much time to myself lately to think that its been driving me insane. i know that im not okay. i know that im not thinking clearly right now. dont worry im not blaming them for leaving my life, i would never have put up with me as long as they did in the first place. but all of my questions, nobody will answer.
and maybe everyone is right. that this situation is only temporary. ill somehow miracously get my son back and the love of my life. hey miracles do happen right. but you dont understand. it might be temporary but when youre in this kind of pain, you cant see things that way. you can see it with your head but you dont feel it with your heart no matter how many people try and tell you that this too shall pass. theres no way around how you feel and sometimes when it gets this bad, you just have no answers. sometimes theres no fucking answers to what the fuck is wrong with you or what do do about your problems. the things that you cant control are spinning rapidly more out of control and you cant stop them. you cant make it fucking stop. and theres so much fear. and so much darkness.
i cant understand whats so wrong with me that everyone has abandoned me.
and the few that are around dont know what to say to me anymore and they just pat me on the fucking head and tell me that its gonna be okay. FUCK YOU. fuck you fuck you FUCK YOU. you dont know what its like to have your child taken away from you, the girl that youre in love with leaves you over and over and you stay by her side only to get told the most horrible things that you can even imagine from her own mouth. you know its not true in your heart but it gets stuck in your head on repeat, until you start to believe it. and you dont know what its like to be me. end of story.
imagine the most beautiful day that you can remember. the most special day, the one that made you so happy and completely filled you up inside with this warm electricity and safety and security and joy that bursts out from your eyes like moonbeams, so happy that you cant control it. that was me, then.
some people are just born wrong. theres nothing that i know of that makes it that way it just happens sometimes. i can feel the fear inside me. i feel dead.
i really wish that i could call and talk to somebody. i used to have friends. what the fuck is wrong with me. i know im ugly. i know im worthless omg. but i dont know what to do. everyone deserves a friend dont they. am i really as horrible as they say.
ill shut up now. |
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