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Shadows Of Fantasia........
by I Fear Who I Am Beco

previous entry: The Rose Colored Glasses Of Counterfeit Love...

Again Huge Battle...

04/30/2021

Been a huge battle to write this. They have been hitting me hard. Degrading. Tormenting. Hurting. Sitting here. Had to go inside and then outside the house about 3 times now. Taken me hours to begin. I have had so many people tell me t hat I shouldnt put myself out there emotionally on facebook AKA fakebook because it shows weakness and it allows people to take advantage of me which has happened several times, resulting in my own interview  being stolen and told it would be used for something evil weather I like it or not. Yeah. Fun times. But what they dont get is that I have been on here for 11 years and always bared my heart and soul, so I guess I really dont see the point in stopping now, when everyone who watches me knows I have worn my heart on my sleeve my entire whole life. I am making boundaries for myself now, which is extremely hard for me, like hard like when a fish is caught in a hook and cant get away, that is how I feel. Because, I am someone who does not always know what balance is, in an experiential way. Like, I am one extreme or the other. But if you had had to live through what I have for 30 years, and esp the past 8? I will be honest with you, most of you would not have made it this far. Not that I dont believe in you, but I  have had friends who were NOWHERE near bad as me,. andthey killed themselves. It still hurts. Shoutout to Janet Murray, my dear sweet friend. I didnt say any of that to condemn you, only to try to get people to comprehend. Which is pointless. So I will jsut be me, and say whatever I want. I cant swallow properly, there is something like...As if layers of skin, or cheesecloth type thing has taken over my throat, and rerouted my whole body. I can prove everything that i wil,l say btw. I have learned the hard way to only speak the things that can be proven to the naked eye. At least on here. The lies of spies and the friends of Job are everywhere, aren't you? I see you. 

ANYWAYS I just feel so defeatedf alot of the time, and I know so many of you can relate to that, because its like you try everything everyone suggests and they are so gosh darn excited about what CURED them then their excitement rubs off on you and you spend every last penny on these things, these stupid material things, and then they dotn work, or if they do, its only temporary. Heres a small tip for ya. WHAT WORKS FOR ONE PERSON MAY NOT WORK FOR YOU. AND NOT ONLY MAY IT NOT WORK FOR YOU  BUT WHAT HELPED THEM MAY HURT YOU. That is why I implore you to turn to God and Jesus Christ THE REAL ONE NOT THE FAKE ONE, CUZ THE FAKE ONE IS MEAN AS ALL GET OUT. But the real Jesus Christ of Nazareth, NEVE3R CONDEMNS YOU. SO ALL YOU OUT THERE USING THE NAME OF CHRIST TO INFLICT HURT AND PAIN, AND DISCOURAGE THE PEOPLE OF GOD AND THOSE WHO WILL BE BROUGHT INTO THE FOLD? SHAME ON YOU AND THE LORD REBUKE YOU. I am clean, by the blood of Jesus and guess what? FATHER GOD FORGAVE ME OF ALL MY SINS HE DOES NOT WITHHOLD FORGIVENESS WHEN WE ASK FOR IT. So many are using the Bible and God as weapons to accuse and hurt us. STOP IT BECAUSE THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE DOES NOT TAKE KINDLY WHEN YOU HURT HIS BABYGIRLS AND HIS SONS. Okay. Ive said my peace about that. 

GETTING THE FLESHLY THINGS OUT OF OUR LIVES IS HARDER THAN YOU THINK. I MEAN JUST FOR THOSE COFFEE DRINKERS OUT THERE, I WILL USE THAT AS AN EXAMPLE. WHAT WOULD YOU DO OR SAY IF GOD ASKED YOU TO QUIT DRINKING IT FOR SAY 3 WEEKS STRAIGHT? I KNOW I KNOW, YOUD SAY YES OF COURSE I WILL. JUST WAIT TILL ABOUT THE 2ND OR 3RD DAY. I KNOW YOU GUYS CAN DO IT, I BELIEVE IN YOU, MY SOUL FAMILY, BUT LISTEN.......THE THINGS OF THIS WORLD THE COFFEE, THE NICE CLOTHES, THE CARS, THE JEWELRY THE FAST FOOD THE THINGS YOU DO TO COMFORT YOURSELF IN THIS WORLD THAT IS NOT GOD? WHAT IF THEY WERE JUST GONE AND ALL YOU HAD WAS YOURSELF AND GOD. WHAT WOULD YOU DO? BECAUSE THAT TIME IS COMING SOONER THAN YOU THINK AND YOU NEED TO BE READY TO HAVE THE EARTH, HOPEFULLY YOUR FAMILY...AND GOD. AND THE CLOTHES ON YOUR BACK. BECAUSE THE THINGS WE CLING SO DESPERATELY TO RELALY ARE GOING TO NOT BE AVAILABLE TO US AT SOME POINT, AND THAT IS WHY GOD IS SO URGENT NOW ABOUT THESE THINGS. THESE THINGS THAT WE TURN TO FOR COMFORT, LOVE STABILITY, ROUTINE, OH THE ROUTINES. THE TRYING TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM FIBERS AND MOLD. OH MY GOD, IF YOU ONLY COMPREHENDED WHAT WILL HAPPEN. I LOVE YOU. WE NEED TO CHANGE, GUYS. WE REALLY  NEED TO CHANGE. AND FAST. I MEAN REALLY QUICKLY. ALL THESE THINGS? THEY WILL FADE...THEY WILL BE...RENDERED USELESS IF THE3RES NO ELECTRICITY. 

PERSONALLY I GREW UP CAMPING AND ROUGHING IT, SO IM GOOD WITH CAMPFIRES AND MAKING FOOD OVER THAT. BUT EVENTUALLY THE FOOD WILL RUN OUT. WE WILL SEE. ALL IM SAYING IS THAT WE REALLY NEED TO WORK ON GIVING UP THINGS NOW, ONE AT A TIME, AS YOUR HOLY SPIRIT LEADS YOU. ITS REALLY EASY TO IGNORE THE SPIRITS VOICE, OR TO TELL YOURSELF THAT WAS THE ENEMY, THAT WAS AI, THAT WAS MY OWN THOUGHT, THAT WAS THE DEVIL A DEMON A HOAX. YOUR GUT KNOWS WHEN ITS THE HOLY SPIRIT AND GOING AGAINST IT IS ALWAYS COSTLY, I AM LIVING PROOF OF THAT. DONT BE LIKE I WAS. DONT TAKE THE PATH OF RUNNING AWAY FROM THE THINGS THAT HUNT YOU DOWN AND HAUNT YOU. TURN AND FACE THEM. ITS THE ONLY WAY. I WISH I COULD GO BACK AND DO JUST THAT. OH HOW I WISH THAT. I WISH IT VERY MUCH. MY HEART BREAKS AT THE PAIN I HAVE CAUSED BECAUSE I WAS RUNNING FROM THE SUFFERING, AND YET BECAME SUFFERING ITSELF. PAIN INSIDE AND WITHOUT. I AM SO SORRY THAT YOU GUYS ARE HURTING. I AM SO SORRY THAT THEY HURT YOU. I AM SO SORRY THAT THINGS WERE DONE THAT NEVER SHOULDE HAVE BEEN. YOU DESERVE BETTER,. AND THE ENEMIES WE HAVE WILL SOON BE GONE, AND OUR REPORT CARD WILL NOT BE FAR BEHIND COMING. BOYS OH BOYS YIKES IM SCARED TO SEE MINE. THERES BOOKS RECORDING EVERY BREATH WE TAKE, EVER SIGH, EVERY TEAR, EVERY ANGRY WORD, EVERY TERRIBLE THOUGHT, EVERY LIKE AND DISLIKE, FAVORITES OF EVERYTHING, THINGS WE DESPISE. Im gonna get off this soapbox now, but please know that you are loved beyond all human comprehension and that longing that we have felt since day 1 of being in our homes and yet longing, aching, even physically to JUST GO HOME. Well maybe we will soon. When we pass the test? When we overcome? Who knows. 

But I want to live in a way that pleases God and leaves no room for doubt as to weather I am His. So that when people speak a lie about  me, it will actually be a lie, and can be cast down. To live a life of integrity, and honesty and honor, and purity before God and mankind. Compassion and above all agape love ruling every aspect of my life. THE SUN WILL NOT SMITE US BY DAY NOR THE MOON BY NIGHT. And yet when full moon comes we are always feeling it. WE HAVE TO DECLARE WHAT THE WORD SAYS OVER OUR LIVES IT CANT JUST ACTIVATE BY ITSELF. THE SUN WILL NOT SMITE ME BY DAY NOR THE MOON BY NIGHT IN THE NAME OF JESUS. 

Okay. Im out. I love you. Take care. Talk soon. <3

previous entry: The Rose Colored Glasses Of Counterfeit Love...

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Facebook, in general, is just a dramatic place. Social media is general is a time warp back in high school, were feelings get hurt if you don’t “like” something.




[Ethan JamesStar|0 likes] [|reply]

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