Wish I Had Better Judgement

10/17/2009

Are there ever days to where you feel like "Is this life worth living?" I do everyday. The one I love is lost within her own self and seems to lost the key to re-entry. We will never know who we are until we let ourselves find our self. The inner tells me to leave this world in which I feel a failure and a burden to every soul that I come across, the outer says keep the faith. Well which one do I choose? Usually they say that the inner you is what you should listen to, to follow your heart, but is that what I should really do? The outer shell I have created to bond my inner feelings has in fact bonded them so well my mind stays confused on who I really am. Well, who am I? I am a husband who's wife leaves him at every whim of an arguement, a father who isnt allowed to dicipline his children when they need it, a friend who is anti-social and doesnt keep in touch when he should, and a family member who is an extreme burden on the family. That is me at a glance. My wife has issues in letting go. She holds on to things that make her this way. As of right now we arent even sleeping in the same bed because she got mad at me over something that could have been talked out...anything can always be talked out. I am a firm believer in communication and have been for some time. Now at times I have been told, and starting to understand, that I am a little excessively blunt. I would much rather be honest and hide nothing than to go to bed knowing that I am hiding something or that I have lied about something. Honesty is virtue #2 in a relationship. Being honest means not hiding anything, not deliberately lying about something, and being open about every situation at hand no matter if the truth hurts or not. I have through the years held back so much emotion that it turned into anger. I have several mood disorders and one is telling me that I may also have a psychotic disorder. In turn I get aggravated over little things like "Im not talking about it right now" and actually never talking about it, or just because one of my kids are crying or fussing "mommy taking them from me". I dont know, but I just feel worthless and hate my life. I love my wife and kids but do I get the same gesture back? You can say you love someone as many times a day that you want but do you truly wholeheartedly mean it? You at times have to show that emotion because you can say one thing and act another which would show someone that you dont even though you say you do. I love her so much that a piece of me dies every time she does this. I dont know what to do, I am just lost. She says it may be temporary but she dont know and I should know in a couple months at least. Well then brings the idea of why is she still here? Why are we living together being married yet separated? She says its because I can see the girls everyday, but that didnt matter to her any other time she left me. I am just lost and confused. I dont know how to do this anymore. I used to just run at the first sign of a problem with a relationship, but not with her...This time is different, I am in love, I want to be with her, I want this to work, I dont want to be alone without her. I have racing thoughts all the time and a lot of them are negative, a lot of them are telling me to do the unthinkable but I cant with her...I have this feeling with her like I have never had with anyone else. The feeling of comfort, the feeling of true love. Am I just a hopeless romantic stuck in a dickheads body? Or do I have reasons to be aggravated when I get upset? Either way it always leads back to the conversation subject of "You have to talk it out and not stay mad". I lost someone close to me...a cousin...We were fighting over stupid shit...I apologized to him and he didnt accept it. A month later he died in a car accident. It destroyed me. I had nothing else to think about besides the fact that I killed him. It happened back in Dec 03 but I am still not over it. I dont want the same thing to happen to me and my wife...how would one or the other feel if something happened to the other? I know that I would kill myself if something happened to her because I have done things or said things that I know she isnt ready to get rid of. Her, I dont know how she would handle things...I mean I am sure she would be upset but I just dont know which is why every night before we would go to bed I would try and talk with her or even just after we had a disagreement. I try to explain why I feel that way but she doesnt seem to understand my feelings. I dont know. I guess I will stop writing now and end this with "Baay, if you ever read this, I am sorry and please forgive me...I love you so much and hope that someday you can see that and see the changes I have made in my life to try and keep you. I just wish we could stop the BS and learn to talk about things before they escalate like they do and cause our arguements." I love you soo much and just hope and pray every day that everything just right itself.