got quite a bit of depressing shit on my mind tonite, and its been the same since my brother came over. thinking about my mother and her games and really missing my daddy. i'm wondering what life would be like if i grew up in a "normal" loving home. would i be the way i am now? would i still hurt this much? i feel nothing anymore but pain. and it is everywhere. it hurts so much here, and no one around me knows that i want to disappear. i don't want to be here anymore, i don't want to hurt anymore..... i wish i could see my daddy one last time so i could ask him what to do. i miss him so much.... would it have been too much to ask to have ONE parent who really cared about me for me not for my $???i see people who have great relationships with their parents and i hurt even more. i never had anything like that that was honest and true. it was all a game. i was nothing but a game to her. no one has ever been anything but a game to her. its no wonder i am so screwed up in the head. i never had a good constant role model. i doubt anyone knows, or even cares to know for that matter, what it honestly feels like to realize you were nothing but a pawn and a dollar sign to your own parent. the one person in the world who is supposed to PROTECT you from all that is the one person who is doing it the most. it doesn't surprise me, it just hurts. a lot. im at a loss for words to describe this or even explain why or how she could do that. i used to look up to her, ya know? look at her as a role model. i TRUSTED her at one point. and it was all a lie. and history is repeating itself with my little brother now. she's doing it all over again. so on top of depression, i am very angry with this woman. plus all the crap in the previous entries about my husband and his joblessness and how i feel like he may not want or love me anymore.....its all too much.....just one night. all i want is one night with my daddy. we can go from there but just one to start. he was only 22.....he would be 45 right now.... |
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