so my night has been pretty much shit. i had a bad couple of days, and tonite i had a bad night at work, and all i wanna do is come home and lay next to someone who im not even sure really loves me. i just wanna be with someone who can look at me when i have a shitty day and tell me as lovingly as possible that its ok. and just be. but no. instead i get to come home after my shitty ass day and i tell him tonite would not be a good night to mess with me. he took it the wrong way and now has an attitude with me. and just a few days ago we got into another semibig argument because i tried to tell him how i felt and why i was feeling so lonely because he was always on his game and we never sent time together just us. that turned out well. apparently im controlling, abusive and "crazy fucking psycho" and always wrong. that ended like it always does with me in tears and him seemingly unaffected. needless to say i slept on the couch that night. and yesterday. omfg yesterday.....we got robbed yesterday. somebody *someone my roommate knows, mind you* walked into our house, took the tv and matthews xbox, and left. at seven pm in broad daylight with four adults here. FOUR FUCKING PEOPLE were in this house and no one heard the pounding on the door or seen this fucker walk in and take anything. seriously people???? she has told y'all time and time again to LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR. so thats weighing on my mind. and my grandma is depressed now too. she feels like she lost everyone she cares about. my grandpa, my great aunt bj, her baby brother, and now her daughter is avoiding her more than what she was before. her other daughter only wants her when she needs a baby sitter and my sister doesnt hardly talk to her at all. my little brother doesnt contact her rwhatsoever. she feels all alone. and i can relaate to that. people have no ficking clue how much i just want to not exist right now. nobody knows how much i just want to die. everyone tries to be all happy all the time here and not care. well, everyone but my roommate. shes got a load of family drama herself. i just wanna no be here. nothhing is going right for me. people are turning on me like i never thought possible. i feel like shit. i have no one to talk to in person. my dad i never really had, my grandpa is gone. theresa is dead to me. i have no parents to go to. even as an adult i guess they get kinda important sometimes. its too much. its all so overwhhelming. im honestly surprised i havent become an alcoholic yet. im crying and i dont even fucking know why....... |
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*sorry about the language*