Sitting in bed crocheting, and my heart is breaking. I want to cry. How did we get this bad? We claim to love each other, but the only thing I feel between us any more is your hated and disgust towards me. I feel like you despise me. All my broken jagged pieces that I warned you would cut if you got too close. I don't understand. Why do I feel pain every day? I can't look you in the eyes because all I see there is regret and fury. I close my eyes and I can feel it radiating off of you in waves, threatening to drown me. Why did you break your promises? You promised me you would never cause me this much pain. Yeah, I'm kinda emotional right now but cut me a break! My cousin is still trying to kill both herself and her little sister, my mother now has the same cancer that killed my grandpa, and my grandmother is probably FUCKING dying too! I'm dealing with a lot more than you realize. Battling depression everyday, fighting not to do something stupid like hurt myself again. A battle I don't always win. But at least I'm still fighting, right? Why can't you understand that? Or relationship is pretty much over and I'm expected to deal with that to and be okay? But yet everyone you tell about it says I'm wrong. I'm not the only one at fault. It takes two to make it or break it. I've tried so hard. Given you so much and given up so much for you. I've got nothing left but the breath in my line, and most days I wish I didn't even have that. But you don't care...... Did you ever really care? Or was I just a way out of a bad situation for you? We both had shady rough pasts, the only difference is mine still haunts me. All I want is for you to understand. That's not a lot to ask I think. It would solve so much if you just tried. For me. For us..... If you still wanted an us that is. I meant what I said to you. I can't do this anymore. I give up, waving my white flag.... You have officially broken me down further than anyone else ever has, but that's only because I was stupid enough to let you get that close. That is taking into consideration my entire past, good bad and ugly. You are a selfish human being and you need to realize that you cannot be that way in a marriage. It's not going to work, clearly. Bit you will figure that out next time around. I can't do this anymore |
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