Where am I?

10/12/2010

You were supposed to save me.

There's no excuse for me to expect that from you. For years now everyone's told me to just brighten my outlook, to find something that makes me happy. It was you; it was always you.

"I'm so sorry. I'm glad we can be friends."

Where's the ending to my story?

"You're a knight in shining armor."

Why aren't I enough?

"It's me."

Why isn't it me? Everyone always says you'll meet someone who feels the same, I'll meet someone. What is it about me? I feel THIS for people. This PAIN. Why hasn't anyone ever felt it for me? Why is it always unrequited?

I can still bring myself to tears if I think about certain things hard enough. You said I was stuck with you.

Why is everyone always afraid that I'll leave them? That I'll abandon them. I don't know HOW to abandon someone. In one way or another, everyone leaves me.

I know this just sounds really immature and whiney.. But it's true. I have problems, and I don't know how to fix them, and somehow I end up driving away everything that's ever been good for me.

Has anyone ever heard of anybodyoutthere.com? You can anonymously post your thoughts, and other anonymous people will talk to you, or you have the opportunity to respond to other anonymous thoughts. I found it one night when i typed "Why can't I have someone to talk to?" into google, and ended up talking to some guy for about an hour. It was a nice change.

I went on again last night, desperate for someone, anyone, to talk to. The site is down. I could've laughed. Writing this entry is almost like having someone to talk to. I'm absolutely dreading submitting the entry, but only because I know I'll be going right back to scouring my friends lists to find someone else.

You were supposed to save me.