Trying to be a better submissive for Luke

01/22/2011

I am worried that Luke and I are losing the very thing that makes us work so well, which is the power exchange element of our relationship where he is my Dominant and I am his submissive. Without D/s we are just like any other couple that fights and disagrees and never resolves anything, goes to bed after an argument and wakes up resenting each other. We still have sex, Luke initiates and I, being the submissive, let him have me when he wants me. But it's just so... uninspired. Do you guys remember the shit Luke used to make me do?! It was straight out bat shit crazy, he was so sadistic and loved to force me to do things I was honestly very scared of. Is it that nothing scares me anymore? I don't think it's a case of Luke running out of ideas or getting lazy. I know it's my fault, because I'm going around dominating other guys and putting my enjoyment in that before my loyalty to Luke and my submiting to him. I don't think I'm 'dominant' to other guys as such, I just really like inflicting pain and watching someone in pain, hearing them beg and such. I think I'm also too chicken shit to have pain inflicted on me because it's been so long, and I'm afraid I'll find I'm weaker than the boys I top. ...But that's really bad of me. I shouldn't be indulging in my 'extracurricular activities' if they are conflicting with my main relationship.

I need to work on being more submissive to Luke, so that he sees I'm ready to give him control again. I don't think he is very motivated to dominate me if I'm acting like I don't care about being submissive anymore. I do! I do I do I do I'm just so shit at it sometimes, I forget my own values and the way to behave. It's not that I don't want to

Tonight while Luke is out partying I cleaned the kitchen including washing and drying the dishes, tidied up the living room and cleaned the bathrooms including both toilets, even doing the fancy fold thing with the toilet paper. I made the bed too but that won'tmatter because I'm going to bed now so it'll be messy when he gets home anyway. But all of that effort doesn't matter if I don't keep doing it so Luke knows I'm ready to submit full time again. Wish me luck.