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an empty frame.'s Diary
by an empty frame.

previous entry: Am I good looking?

next entry: Unrequited love in a Master/slave relationship

Self sabotage

05/04/2010

One of my therapists asked if I thought I was ready to leave the clinic and go back to my normal (lol, normal) life. I kind of panicked and went into auto-pilot where I lie through my teeth and say that everything is fucking awesome. I smiled and acted pleasantly surprised and told her that I was ready to leave the clinic and begin working full time and live as a recovered anorexic, all healthy and hunky dory. ... She asked that if I were to leave would I still be interested in participating in certain things like the support groups. I said that I wouldn't because being around all those girls was doing my head in. I have no idea if she bought my act and to be honest, I have no idea why I put it on. I didn't want to admit that I'm not ready to leave and then be told that I have to leave anyway.... I want it to be on my own terms... I want to walk out with my head held high... And if they make me leave, that's what I'll do, but I know it's just because they needed to fill my place with a skinnier twig than I ever was.

I know I know I know I know, these thoughts are soooo pointless and stupid and ...I don't know. I just... I hate not being able to predict what my day will look like tomorrow. I just want.... to have some kind of direction because.... I'm kind of too pathetic to just exist like every other human being on this planet does. I'm an idiot. Meh.

previous entry: Am I good looking?

next entry: Unrequited love in a Master/slave relationship

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you need more time there. i had two years of therapy Aaron. tell them you were lying and you're not ready... you have to.
x

[.November.Butterfly.|0 likes] [|reply]

Sometimes, therapists are able to tell when you're lying, and whether or not you're ready to return to the status quo. I know you weren't really asking for opinions here, but did you try picking up a hobby? When you have at least one clear goal, it seems that others just kind of fall into place. That's how it worked out for me, anyway.

[Fenix Star|0 likes] [|reply]

maybe she only asked because she thinks you might be ready?

[& skull.Star|0 likes] [|reply]

like maybe she thinks you are, but you can always tell her you're not.

or maybe it's a test to see if you would lie. i dunno.

[& skull.Star|0 likes] [|reply]

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