Misery is a butterfly

05/29/2010

I haven't had the time to update, so to summarise, I gave up a triad relationship with "guy" as quickly as he came into our lives because something more important and urgent came up than adding yet another person to my slew of sexual and romantic partners. I told Luke to please continue pursuing a relationship with him as I genuinely like the guy and maybe one day in the future we can think about having a triad again but for now my sub needs for me to focus as much of my emotional attention on him as possible. I am very worried about him.

In two weeks we will finally discuss his issues re: his past, incl. child abuse, immigration (non-english speaking background), his parents, and the affect all of this has on his relationships and ability to communicate. In the meantime I am frantically trying to arm myself with as much information/resources/contacts as possible but it's all so foreign to me. "You don't have to save everyone". No, but I need to save HIM, because I love him. As much as I love Luke, people.

He is the most interesting, beautiful, generous, sincere, selfless, creative, complex, difficult, and adorable person I have ever met. I just wish he wasn't monogamous but for now he is dealing with me being with Luke as well as can be expected.

I am so glad we haven't had sex. God, thank GOD. I am glad because our connection has grown so fucking strong now and the fact that it has nothing to do with my dick proves to him my feelings are real, and he needs to know that. Now that he has admitted his feelings for me, mmm, he went a bit nuts at first, but like I said, our bond is so so strong now. And he TRUSTS me now. Trusts me!!!! Never in his life, not since he was four years old, has he been in a situation where he can trust someone. I see how uncomfortable it makes him, his hesitation... But he looks at me and resolves it. Such an admirable, strong soul. I fucking think the world of him. I love him so much it makes me ache, but not nearly as much as him loving me is painful for him. Very painful but very fucking necessary.

We kissed each other today. It sent fireworks flying inside of my gut. I hugged him so tightly. Can't get enough. He cried. He's scared. I kissed him again, more gentle and quick this time, and that seemed to settle him down. He nestled into me, used my chest as a pillow, curled up on my lap, and with my arms around all of him I rocked him from side to side. He closed his eyes, exhaled a shakey breath, I kissed the top of his head and promised I'd take care of him. I promise, I will. He is mine and I love him.

No negative comments, please. I have heard them all in my own voice and resolved those issues. I would like some support now.