I wake up in the morning and sometimes I just lay there. Not because I'm tired or I dont want to get up, but because my legs feel shaky and weak, like that of a newly born fawn, and I know that if I try to stand it will only end in disaster. I often wonder if any of this is normal, but I retreat under the covers, praying to God that my alarm doesnt go off soon. Naturally, it does, and I shudder at the sound.
The daily grind gets worse every day. My life is a broken record, not falling behind, but never getting any further, either. I dont know where to go, or what to do to change the scenery even just a little bit. A soft, sudden movement behind me startles me from staring blankly into space. I turn, and I see him lying there so comfortable and warm, inching closer to me as he subconsciously senses that I am leaving our bed. I lean over, kissing him on the forehead as I run my fingers through his soft hair, and he smiles sweetly.
It saddens me to know that he'll never understand how much he truly means to me. He'll never believe me when I say that I love him, and want to wake up next to him every day for the rest of my life. He sees himself as 'temporary'. He doesnt see that when I look at him, I see more than just a boyfriend, or a lover. I see my best friend. I see the same person I saw before we began dating. Only now he is a slightly different person. Now, he lets his insecurities rule his emotions, and low self esteem run our relationship. Every thing said must be done so while walking on eggshells, and its difficult yes... But he doesnt see that to me, he is worth it. Maybe he'll never see it. But doesnt he deserve to? Doesnt he deserve to know that someone cares about him as much as I do, and to actually feel loved the way everyone in a relationship deserves to feel loved?
If so, how do I show him? How do I make him see something he has convinced himself doesnt exist? How do I make him understand?
I kiss his forehead once more before getting up and getting ready for work. |
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