clear the air.

NICK! You are a BAMF with Xtra now wootwoot!

Again, sorry he did that to you. I hope you both your sakes that he can figure himself out. He will come to terms with it eventually... lets hope.♥Lacy

ღMonsoon

i know how you feel with the sleeping and the thoughts keeping you awake.
if he doesn't love you then you just need to find someone who will or just do things for yourself that make you love you more.
don't worry too much and just take it day by day.
after a while, everything will feel okay again if you only make the changes you need to.

It sounds like the communication problems are getting slightly better, even though you are having to go through a shitload of pain in order to have them. I hope that in some small way it is helping what's happening to him though. Maybe he is actually starting to realize some things about how he's treating you and how what he does is affecting you.

~*Jodi*~

ryc - He does love his wife. That's why he kind of freaked when he thought something was going to happen and I was like "NOTHING is going to happen!!" lol. He just wanted to kiss me. To me, it was nothing - though it probably would have bothered her unless she's a little freaky. Some people don't mind that sort of thing.

I have some sort of control over my emotions SOMEtimes and that's why I can detach - that and the fact that I am not yet "in" love with Bobby, and my very deep "in like" of him is not really moving forward because of all the mixed-signals he's sending me, though I do care for him as a person and as a friend. I WANT to be there for him. I WANT to be closer to him. I WANT to fall in love with him and I WANT him to fall in love with me, but those things take time. You're in love with your guy because you've known him a long time and it's progressed to that point. I haven't gotten to that point yet. I don't know if I want to be at that point if the signals are going to be mixed though. I'd rather have some sense of detachment if he's going to keep acting like he's not sure what he wants. I am fine to take things slow for now. He knows I like him. I know he likes me. His friends all know we like each other, hence why none of them hit on me, even though they should cuz if Jerry or Joe hit on me then I'd probably go out with one of them, but then my chances of getting Bobby wouldn't be too good because sometimes there is an unspoken rule about seeing your friend's ex...which might also be why they don't hit on me, because they know that we're "talking". Well, hell, I don't even know if we are at the "talking" point yet. Its more like just dancing around. LOL. It's fucked up. Seriously.

But it does hurt, in some respects, that he doesn't want me...even though I know it's for the best right now. I always said I will never date another alcoholic, and here I am - begging one to go out with me, knowing full-well that his drinking would be a HUGE problem if we were to get serious. I just want him to somehow realize that we don't have to get serious fast and we could still spend some time together away from a place where we end up pretty well shit-faced and I can hardly hold a conversation by the time I see him. lol.

~*Jodi*~

ryc - I agree with your take on the situation with the married guy & understand where you're coming from, though, it is possible to love someone very dearly and be attracted to someone else. It's possible to love someone and not be IN love with them anymore, but that doesn't mean you want to leave them. You don't throw away a marriage because of a kiss, though, like you say she should chuck him out. If someone does that, it means there's something missing/lacking in their relationship. It does not mean that there is no love there anymore. And maybe it's just that I've had experience with these kinds of things before that I am able to see that. Now, having said that, I wouldn't want MY husband (which I never plan to get married though) to be out kissing other women or sleeping around, and if that happened, then I would know that there was something wrong. When you're with someone, after a few years, the passion goes away, and sometimes you just want to know that you could still find that passion with someone else. Now that does not justify what he did, though. It doesn't justify it at all - but there are sometimes reasons for things without there being excuses, if that makes any sense.

I get what you mean about not getting closer to Bobby as long as I am seeing other people. Though he does not know that I am seeing other people and it really wouldn't matter to him because I am not "his" and he has made it very plain that he does not want me to be his - that this is the wrong time in his life for me. If that's the case, then I don't see why I shouldn't go out with other people. I TOLD him that I would wait for him because I only want to go out with him; at the same time, I am not going to wait forever and wouldn't expect him to not go out with someone else if he wanted to go out with someone else. It's entirely possible that he is not the one for me and I would be missing out on other people while waiting around for a man who may never come around. Then I'd have lost a lot of time - which I don't have a lot of left - and I'd have missed out on many people who come around. When you're single you can date around and have fun and not feel guilty about it. I was in a 7-year relationship and when you're with someone for that long, you don't get to date and have fun like that. I understand what it takes to be in a relationship and how difficult it is and perhaps that's why he doesn't want to date me. It's not even that he doesn't want to date me seriously - he doesn't want to date me AT ALL because he's bound and determined that he has to have his "shit together" before he can go out with someone else. It's been years since he was in a relationship and the last girl he dated for 8 years, they broke up, and she DIED from an overdose, so he's pretty fucked in the head about relationships. If I were 21 years old, then I might sit around and wait for him, but he's about to turn 32 next month and in 4 months I am going to be 30. I am not wasting time on someone who isn't going to come around. If he comes around, then he needs to come around otherwise he will miss out on me. I don't feel that I will be missing out on him because I'm here and waiting on him and he is the one that I want. Period. I want him and only him, but I do have needs and I'm not going to deny myself sex with someone when the person I want to sleep with won't sleep with me. Does that make any sense?

~*Jodi*~

Thank you for taking the time to visit my diary.

I hope you're able to get some sleep.

zero gravity designs

niiiiiiiiiiiiiick, *whines* i probably already missed you. err.. guess thats what i get for falling asleep! lol♥Lacy

ღMonsoon

ryc: You never offend me. I enjoy talking with you very much; it helps me work out some of the thoughts that I have and understand where I'm coming from when I explain it to you. lol. I like that you're interested, actually. And you've been most helpful. In fact, I'm in the process of writing you a very long comment now. It might as well be an entry! LOL.

~*Jodi*~

Thanks, I like to think so lol
Hes got such a cute smile and the cutest cheeks and hot lil tummy lol.

Nachos&Cake

ryc: Yes, a lot of people are very touchy about things but I have a very thick skin. Probably comes from a rotten childhood and having to endure a lot of horrific stuff, and in school being picked on tremendously because I was overweight and a nerd...I did not blossom until after I had graduated high school. THAT might be why you think that I measure my self-worth by how many guys I can attract. Even though I don't measure my TRUE worth by it, I love to be in love and all that goes along with it, and I like getting attention because for 18 years I was not what anyone would consider "good looking" really... I mean, at least nobody ever said so, and so now, it's like a huge ego thing for people to tell me that I'm pretty... I believe that I am now, but because I wasn't always I had to develop a good personality and rely on my brains. Might be why I have practically a genius level IQ and such too. But some people find all that intimidating because I am what they call the total package now...most pretty people are either huge bitches or aren't very bright and rely on their looks...See, I never had my looks to rely on so I always relied on my brain. I KNOW I'm smart, whereas with how I look I don't KNOW it deep inside because of not always being pretty. Besides that looks fade anyway with time. What's the saying? Beauty fades but stupid is forever. LOL. All that coupled with me being on my own since I was 17 and having very young parents causing me to grow up soon has made me into a pretty tough cookie, I guess. So you can pretty much say anything to me as long as you're honest and aren't doing it TO be mean, you know what I'm sayin? I respect bluntness and honesty, which is why I do respect Bobby for being real blunt about it being the "wrong time" in his life, etc. I mean, he could've led me on, or whatever. Although I will say that I do not understand why he didn't pull the whole "let's be friends only" card or the whole "I don't like you like THAT" card like some people would. He's confusing to me as well.

And no, that is not the comment that I am working on! LOL!!! WOO! I can write too! I love to write!! It comes from not having any friends as a kid and only having a journal!

~*Jodi*~

ryc: Where shall I begin? lol. I think I shall start with the easiest portion of your note first.

I agree that the 20s are a time to play and the 30s would be at time to settle down with someone. And if it is the right person, there is no question that I would go for it. But how could I go for it when the person that I *think* I want does not want a relationship with me? See to me, although the 30s are a time for "settling down", they are not for "wasting time" with someone who is not right for you or for jumping into something without knowing what you're doing, or for "waiting" around for someone who is not into you... By the time you reach my age you start to realize that you don't have time to waste on something that's not going to work. And it's not a time for being hasty in your decisions and jumping into something full force without being a bit more sure of what you're doing because if you are wrong then you have wasted time. When you're younger then you can afford to waste time and make hasty decisions because you have more time if something should go wrong. You don't want to waste 5-10 years of your life on someone that's not right for you. What you have to do is be more sure on the front side - before you do the jumping into the relationship - to know that you're choosing the right person. You become more set in your ways and you know who you are and what you're looking for, etc, and so you have to be picky about who you fall in love with, because if you fall for the wrong person then you're just wasting your time...with not a lot of time left to waste. You can't FORCE someone to love you if they're wrong for you and don't want to love you, no matter what age you are.

As for marriage... people fall in and out of love sometimes. You lose the passion. You lose the lust. You lose the butterflies. Sometimes you lose the sexual attraction. People don't want to lose that though, you know? Once the sexual attraction goes, often the "in love" goes with it. Now, that doesn't meant you don't still love the person very dearly. The thing about human beings is that we DO fall in and out of love..alot.....and if we chuck a marriage because we are no longer in love that's when people are married and divorced 4, 5, 8 times... You know? That's why I choose not to get married AT ALL. All too often people settle for someone they are in love with right now but they are not going to be in love with forever. Sometimes people go into a marriage simply because the other person wants to get married and they feel slightly forced into it, sometimes it's for children, sometimes it's because it's expected. That's why I say people should not marry before 30 and if they're smart, they won't marry at all. lol. You do not have to have a piece of paper to have love or a commitment. Love is a choice - you choose to stay or you choose to leave...but "in love" is not a choice. That is a feeling.

It is good that you are so adamantly against cheating. That would make you very desirable to some people, you know? I do not think that people should cheat. In a perfect world, it would never happen, but in a realistic one, it happens quite regularly. It's easy to say that you'd leave, but if you've invested 10 years of your life, and don't want to leave your family or don't want to be alone or whatever, then you may not simply walk away to the "single" life because you're not in love with your wife/husband anymore. Until you've been there, sometimes it's difficult to really say what you would do.

I don't think that you overestimated or underestimated how much I do like Bobby. Not at all. But he's not into me like that. He doesn't want me. He barely even TALKS to me. He doesn't call me on the phone. He doesn't hardly ever text message me. He doesn't want me. That's the issue. I don't feel that I have to be faithful to him since we're not even going out. He doesn't want to go out with me. A relationship that I want takes time to build and I'm all for building it, but he has to show some inclination toward wanting it. I see no reason to force myself into celibacy or not to talk or go out with other people if he does not want me. It is not how much I like him - it is how much he likes me, which apparently is nowhere near as much as I like him. I have given it a couple of weeks...I've given it a couple of MONTHS, actually. I spent THREE MONTHS going to talk to him for 2 hours A DAY just because I enjoyed the conversation and wanted to get to know him. I don't just go pick up people all the time and take ANY old guy home to sleep with them. It was like 6 weeks between the last time I had sex and when I slept with Bobby almost 3 weeks ago...and then sometimes I get the opportunity to have sex... I really do like Bobby, but I am not going to waste my time on someone who does not want me. It doesn't make any sense to do that at my age. It's not a matter of flirting around or going from one person to the next - I AM looking for that certain special person, but how will I meet them if I am sitting at home waiting for a man who NEVER EFFIN' CALLS ME and does NOT want me? I have to date people and talk to them and flirt with them to see if I like them enough to get to know them to see if they're the one.

If he showed ANY indication that he wanted me - I would work harder than any person in this world to make a relationship with him work. I have the patience for it. I really do like him A LOT. I have a lot of passionate feelings for him, and we had amazing sex.... But he's not into me in the "dating" sense, and apparently doesn't even want to sleep with me again; doesn't want me; does not want a relationship; says it's not the right time in his life for me; says I just caught him at the wrong time in life, etc, etc...... So what would I even be trying to make work? Trying to convince him that he wants to be in a relationship with me? I don't know what I'm doing wrong in your mind, but I'm not "giving UP" on him... I'm still here for him IF he wants me, but meanwhile, I'm still looking and talking to other guys because there is a chance that he's not the one for me.

~*Jodi*~

RYC:The dermals look amazing, I already have 2.. I was freaked out before I got them cuz I read so much about them, and all the stories of how people heard the "pop" when it went in..And the pain.. BUt once I got one, It wasnt like that at all lol

Nachos&Cake

D: egad. That does sound like a messy situation to be in.
I hope he can figure himself out without repeatedly tugging your heart strings in every which way.
ryc:: I hope you can get some fitful sleep as well, without the nagging thoughts.
I think it all happens, because we finally have a moment to ourselves, and have that time to mull over junk and issues that we didn't have time for during the day.

l'etoile

ryc:: D: If only I could actively stop it since.. I know and he knows the outcome, and we say "Well, this is going to happen, and then it'll just be bad.." and I do it any way.
To show him up.
:|I take a lot of things as a challenge, and act accordingly, regardless of what the outcome may be.

l'etoile