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Silver-Medal Stars & The Dance Through Just Enough
by a little one

previous entry: 013 - Rage, rage

next entry: 015 - H'okay

014 - Sumfin, sumfin. Surely.

03/10/2010

Been and gone, and I've shut down.

I have good friends. They deserve better.

My "real" friends, are people I can be around without wanting to claw my skin off. These are not always the people they perhaps should be, and often aren't the people they think they are.
I could say that there are other criteria, but in truth, anyone's fascinating if you aren't spending your time not punching them in the face.
It's a chemistry, like romance but different, and it's either there or it isn't. I've tried to build it, and it always ends the same.
There are other people I call friends (and do try hard to treat as such), with whom I have some sort of mutually beneficial arrangement with. Work colleagues, if you will, except that I have no work.

I go through phases... I mostly just want to be left alone, so I don't have to do the exhausting endless social dancing. But alone is so lonely, and I'll throw myself anywhere, everywhere, looking for contact. Touch you could say.

Bipolar. Juxtaposed. Binary, always always.

I am so tired of my mother, and I feel so guilty for it. Especially with how much she's helping me. I feel like an emotional whore, being a friend for groceries and the occasional bill pay. But what can I do? And I suppose it's a mostly mutually beneficial arrangement...

Everyone thinks I'm fascinating until they actually have to deal with me.
I'm goddamned emotional crack. And I'm livid.
And hurt.
Yes, I know what my romantic life looks like.
I know why it is, and why I'm mostly angry at myself.
(I cannot be angry at a sociopath for not caring what I feel)
((PPS. "You may be pleasantly surprise to know that karma has kicked me square in the balls; Immediately after 'chemistry' turned into 'feelings', Kim got a job in Montreal and moved there three days later." What the hell am I supposed to do with that little piece of information, you little shit?!))
But I don't know how to not be who I am.
And hearing it hits the same nerve that disintegrates when "whore" is thrown at me.

I want the kids without the husband.
I want a partner who can tolerate me.
I want to stop falling in love with fucking americans.

(((I am not at all sure I want to meet Michael)))

I have no thoughts. Nothing new.
Maybe I'm just done with words. Maybe I should buy a paint set or something instead.
I could trace out the sunrise with my fingers. I think that'd be proper.
Maybe I'm finally starting to see, with my eyes. It would be an interesting adventure.

(Maybe that is my current fascination with sexual bloodletting. To cut a line I can feel, to leave coloured wet fingertrails on velvet white skin.)
((Or maybe I'm just bored))

But I think I'm just stagnant.
I hope, I hope, I make it across the border.
I need this vacation. I need to breathe fresh air, fresh people, fresh steps.
Wanderlust. Run, for running, not to get away like people assume.
Like I sometimes assume.

I can't sleep.
But the dawn was heartachingly beautiful with the crows and the still weak but brave sunlight.

previous entry: 013 - Rage, rage

next entry: 015 - H'okay

0 likes, 15 comments

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Thank you! I thought it was funny, it still makes me laugh. Like the computer screen on one page says "The T-Rex was a great tap dancer" and the pamphlets talk about dinosaurs being pure evil.

[Return-To-Sender&Psi|0 likes] [|reply]

Oh I'm sorry. I put every entry that way because there are people on here I don't like and I don't want to read my diary

[Return-To-Sender&Psi|0 likes] [|reply]

Gah. You have no idea how much I can relate to this. Almost all of it. Scary.

RYC; thanks for the comment and re-assurance. im gonna add you to my faves, if you don't mind?

♥Lacy

[MonsoonStar|0 likes] [|reply]

Sounds like life is typical for you at the moment.

I miss you. I miss knowing you're just the other side of the Sound if I really want to see you. Just because I didn't often doesn't mean I didn't WANT to more often than not.

I hope we'll get to see each other when you're in the area, but with my apparent lack of a vehicle, I'm not sure how. Right now, I have no idea how I'm going to get to my dr's appointments from now on.

[Dark Priestess|0 likes] [|reply]

ryc: I couldn't go on an ice cream diet if I tried. I find myself getting sick of chocolate lately, though so that's a plus.

[Hidden Depths|0 likes] [|reply]

RYC. I know that you care hun, I don't expect everyone to comment. I was only saying because I know it was a lot of reading to do. Thanks for reading to the end though, I appreciate it.

[Sensitive Girl|0 likes] [|reply]

shit. How were you not on my faves list before? This entry suggests we have a lot of the same issues interests thoughts feelings. Too tired to elaborate.

Your comment helped, and i'm amazed that you were able to figure out what i needed to hear from the big mess of feelings that that entry was.

[an empty frame.|0 likes] [|reply]

Ohh what was your diary name then??

[an empty frame.|0 likes] [|reply]

hahah, mayyyyybe.

[jodiStar|0 likes] [|reply]

we do have alone time. i know that it's needed and i know that when we do have time to be together [like the summer] we spend time apart. it's healthy. i will do my own thing, go places by myself, read by myself, go to a coffeeshop by myself and so does dustin.. but i'm talking about people who tell me i will want to spend weeks without my partner because they just annoy me so much. i have had certain people tell me that spending days without their love just is the right thing and i should expect that. :|

bullshit. all the couples i know [older. 40s-60s-80s and younger people] would not be able to be without for that long and for those stupid reasons. you have to cope when you have to but just because you get irritated with their face? i guess everyone is different, but i don't think that will be an appropriate solution for being irritated with one another.

i do get irritated with dustin but that doesn't mean i don't want to see him, i rather work it out and spend time together being ourselves.

"You never stop giggling or holding hands, or losing breath and words when the sun catches their cheek just so. Never, ever."

so very true. :]

[jodiStar|0 likes] [|reply]

:] i'm glad you understand and you took the words right out of my mouth.

the only problem i have with relationship advice is people tend to assume what happens to them and what they feel applies to everyone else. other than that i take the bits and pieces i would consider and try to apply them to my life.

i can't believe couples would do that. [shiver] different houses? eep.

[jodiStar|0 likes] [|reply]

Update?

[an empty frame.|0 likes] [|reply]

ryn: are you one of them? Can I ask you a million questions? Would you be willing to answer them? Or is that just asking too much?

[an empty frame.|0 likes] [|reply]

ryn: oh god. relief! do you have an email address i can contact you at? it may take a while for me to email you but um yeah. im just worried that "forcing" him to confront this is going to make him fall apart. i dont want it to affect his schoolwork or his job or anything... that's my only hesitation.

[an empty frame.|0 likes] [|reply]

Yeah, I was waiting until the start of his school holidays but that's only two weeks break... But if I were to wait until the end of his school year that'd be like November I think
wow, your boyfriend... What an asshole... Seems like... oh. Man I don't know. It's all really sad.

[an empty frame.|0 likes] [|reply]

previous entry: 013 - Rage, rage

next entry: 015 - H'okay

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