00004. Deserves Better... | 09/14/2009 |
xxx
So...Lately I have been in such a funk!!!
& I can't seem to find a way out of it!!! 10 months ago my life was great!!!!
I had a job, I have an amazing child! I wasn't fighting with anyone....WOW how my life has changed since Jan...
.No longer have a job
.No longer speaking with my father
.No longer able to provide for my son
.No longer happy
Everything went 180 on me!! I'm so lost anymore & I don't know where to go!!
Now I go to CBT Direct online for medical billing. You would think awesome right? Yeah umm NO. It totally sucks!!!! I'm working a 53 question exercise and I'm reading this question's & have no read any information based upon these questions!!!! It's like WTF????
Well I'm too pissy to do any school work. I put a damn hole in the wall, that's how pissed I am. I just wanna fall of the face of the earth!!!
I watch Jaiden everyday & I wonder how I could of done this too him. My first instinct was to give him up because I was not ready to be a mom & really didn't want to be one. I knew I was to emotionally unstable to be a parent & a single parent at that...I question myself everyday as to why I kept him. Now don't get me wrong, I love that boy to death!!! I would kill for him! But Im not mommy type!! I have anger issues, I'm not patient.. Not the least bit! I cant deal with the crying and screaming, & OMG when he was lil I tried to stay away and avoid the crying in any way shape or form because I didn't want to hurt him. I knew I couldn't be a mom!
This is not about material things either. My son has soo much crap its not even funny! He get stuff from everyone!! But I knew I couldn't do this!! & I sure as hell cant do this on my own!! But I have some shitty family because no one wants me around!!! Everyone fucking hates me!!!
What really puts my heart in a blender is that when Jaiden was born, your suppose to get that warm loving feeling like you have never loved before! Yeah, I didn't!!! & that eats at me everyday because I knew I couldn't be a mom!! Not saying i'm a horrible mom, I think i am okay mom but He deserves better.
& yeah, I have said this stuff before and sadly I still stand by it. I shoulda gave him up!! I dont have the supportive family a lot of girls seem to have. I have no body!!!
I hate that I feel like this, but I do!! & i cant change that. I have nothing to offer this little boy!!! I could of gave him up and he could of had a real family! Someone to rock him to sleep and read him stories and love him! Yes I love him, No doubt about that, But I dont think its the right love he should have!! & i hate that!! It kills me that i screwed up.
I didnt lose my job on purpose. My baby sitter bailed on me, I was on the list for over a year for the sub child care and I had no one to watch him, I had no money to pay my bills cuz i had to pay the sitter...I just dont kno how much more I can take!!! I love him to death but this is not the life for him!!! I want him to be soo much more & i cant give that to him as much as i wish i could!!!
I wanna go to school, to a real school and have teachers teaching me so i understand and have degree to provide for him, but i cant!! cuz i have to have a job and pay for a sitter out of my pocket! and i cant pay a sitter for work n school...I couldnt afford it!!!!
Im at a breaking point!!! I cant take it anymore!!! I dont sleep, i cant stop crying. I just want to rewind time and do it all over again!!!! I just wanna fix it!!! I dont kno why i have a family that hates me soo much they cant just let me live with them so i can go to school!!!!
Im not blaming anyone but myself!!! I fucked my life up which led me to fuckin jaidens life up!!!! I love him and it breaks my heart that i know im not the right mom for him...i wasnt meant to be a mom!! I am a negative person who hates life. He deserves a mom who is positive and cares to stop and smell the roses...He deserves someone better then me!!!
.Picture at the bottom is part of jaidens fall shoot!! Its Part 1, waiting for the weather to clear up!!
♥Amanda
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