There's a girl I talk to every now and then who reminds me way too much of Nicki (In appearence). It's unsettling. I don't let it bother me too much, but it definitely... sticks in my mind. It makes me secretly not like her as much because deep down I compare her to Nicki and think she could be cruel at the drop of a dime. And how a woman treats other people is really important to me in how I feel about them.
But she still strikes me as very beautiful. I always found Nicki to be very beautiful as well. They probably always will be to me. Both of them.
I've been kind of stupid lately in that I've been talking with my ex girlfriend (Cynthia) a lot lately. Hanging out with her too. But then again, I honestly enjoy our talks. I enjoy hanging out with her.
I don't really know if I still have feelings for her, simply because I am still numb from my broken heart 6 years ago. I probably like her... but I don't know how much. The problem really is that I just don't know how I feel. It could be that I like her a lot and want to pick up things where we left off over a decade ago... or it could be that I just like her as a friend only. I just don't know. I wish I weren't numb. It would clear the confusion.
I'm just afraid of getting involved with someone while I'm numb, because some day the numbness will go away and I could discover that I don't care for the person at all. I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings.
I expect things to... change rapidly in that department. Just because we've been hanging out a lot.
The problem of being a guy is that we are still very much hardwired to be weak to certain female traits. No matter how cold I am towards them, I still feel vulnerable around a beautiful woman. I am more easily manipulated by them. I'm aware of this weakness, so I try to compensate, but is it right to be rude to someone without reason? Not really. So instead I'm nice to them, while secretly hating them, and all the while feeling vulnerable to them. Pretty fucked up, eh? I've got issues, I guess.
/feelings-rant.
I went to Megacon last weekend. It was awesome. Cynthia was the one who told me all about it. I would've missed it had it not been for her. It was Cynthia, her friend Tommy, my friend Jonathan, and myself that went. I drove. It was amazing. Geek Central.
I've been coding a little ASCII art console game in C++. I hope to someday finish it and put it up on programmr.com in my Projects section. I think people would like it.
Well I think I've run out of things to say. Hopefully the next time I write I'll have good news.
And... I miss OpenDiary still.
~Bruce |
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