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So...
So I got home last night, and I did not speak to David. Not a single word. Why? Because after I wrote that entry yesterday, I told him that since he had the kids that after work today I was going to drive to my moms, spend time with her, and pick the kids up. She he contines to send texts saying "I'm not stupid Darenda, I know what you're up to, I ain't fucking stupid Darenda"....no apparently you are, asshole. Then I come home, he asks me for a cigarette, and I hand him one...and he mumbles under his breath "bitch is whoring around" is all I could make out. Needless to say I did not cry, I did not say anything. I just looked at him, grabbed my things and went downstairs. I sat downstairs watching a season of Desperate Housewives and crocheting. He comes crawling to bed at about 3:00 this morning. Nothing said....
I get up at 7:00 to get ready for work. Nothing said...
He doesn't get it. He doesn't understand that I am not the one to treat that way. Maybe he treated his ex's all fucked up and talked to them crazy, but I will not be the one. I love him, and I've done my best to understand him and treat him like a god damn king....but I am done. One more cross word, and I will beat the fuck out of him.
Deeper than you think
You know, when you are little, you remember things about your family. I remember my moms sister Ava always crocheting. She could do a whole blanket in just a couple of hours, literally.
Now, when I was a teen, I was diagnosed with depression, put on meds. Happy right? Well, by this point, my Aunt Ava is crazy. She is almost a completely different person. So I got pregnant...had a kid, and BAM! Post partum depression. You don't know depression til you have had super fucked up thoughts about your own baby. I get through it and love my dtr more than life itself...but that was a really bad time.
Now, Charity is 1, and I then developed a disease called trichotillomania or however you spell it. Not going in depth, but it's where you pull out your hair.
Fast forward to today....I'm married....4 step kids....2 of my own...and my mom says I'm losing my mind and I'm acting like Ava.
Could my family really be driving me crazy? I'm not on meds. I can barely make time to go to the doctor. I've got bald spots on my head that I try to cover up by laying my hair in a different direction.
Am I crazy? I do have thoughts. I think the worst is knowing that my family is right....I'm just like Ava. And I'm only 25.
Is it me? Or is it my life that is driving me insane? Do I need meds? Or do I need in some mental institution?
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I'm just over everything.
Oh, girl... You definitely don't need to be having a baby with a man that doesn't trust you! Especially, if he can't see that you're trying so hard to better the relationship. I think you're very stressed out and it's bringing out the worst in you. Have you noticed at a happier time in your life, you had no depression or hair pulling problems? I've suffered from depression since I was a kid, so I can relate. Especially with the postpartum. That was awful. Hang in there! Stick to your guns!