So my two latest obsessions are Chandelier by Sia and All About That Bass by Meghan Trainor. I'm sure everyone's heard Chandelier by now. Sia is a Goddess. Seriously, her voice is so incredible but doesn't at all match her face. It's really intriguing to me. And Chandelier is a song that I can really relate to as I'm sure many people in my generation can if you actually stop to read the lyrics. I had a mildly screwed up childhood again as I'm sure many people do, but my outlet when I was younger was drinking and I'm not ashamed to admit, promiscuity. I lost my virginity when I was 13, and as I entered adolescence/teenage years, I pretty much stayed trashed and slept around with guys who were extremely too old. It was a bad time, and I didn't have any means of support or expression so I guess what I did though unhealthy was my way of getting a lot of things I needed. It got more destructive and dangerous as I got older, but when I got pregnant and had my son, he probably saved my life. I was far too selfish to give him up even though I wasn't ready or prepared to be a mom, but I knew that in order to take care of him, I had to fix myself so I did. I moved literally 400 miles away from everything that was keeping me from becoming healthy, got into therapy and learned how to be not just a mother, but also an honest woman. It took about three years for me to get it all together, and it wasn't until I was sure I could hold my own that I moved back here to my home town. And here I am.
There is still a lot of the person I was inside me, but my son keeps me grounded. Sometimes I crave the bad choices I made before- I had developed an addiction just like you would be addicted to drugs or alcohol. I was addicted to a lifestyle that was killing me, and some days I think about how easy and satisfying it would be to return to that just as other people who give up their vice probably think about having just one drink, or just one hit of whatever it is they enjoyed. But when I sit with my son and the people I love and really think about where I am now compared to where I was then, I remember and the feeling passes. Chandelier by Sia is a song about a girl who parties to avoid her reality, so that song is so much more to me than just a catchy beat.
But the other song... All About That Bass, it just makes me so happy. Its about loving yourself for who you are which was the biggest thing I had to accomplish in the three years I was away. I had to accept myself and forgive myself for the mistakes I've made. I had to accept others and forgive them for the mistakes they made. I had to learn to stop blaming everyone, including myself, and just let it go. Now, I'm such a zen person that people often think that I don't care about anything. I just roll with the punches. But that isn't the case at all- I just do what I need to and keep it moving because I know I can't allow myself to become stressed.
Yesterday Katie brought up John and asked me if I was done with him for good, or if I was just letting him fester for a while. I told her that I was finished with him, and dating for a while. That's not to say that if someone came along that I really jived with I wouldn't pursue it because I would. But I'm not actively putting myself out there at the moment. I'm just enjoying being me. I don't know what it is, or if its in my head, but one time not too long ago someone told Brittni and I that she was the woman that they'd want to take home and introduce to their mother, while I was a woman they'd fantasize about sleeping with. And I was told something similar even more recently from a long time guy friend who is no longer my guy friend because he developed feelings for me, and it became messy considering he hung out with me almost every day. He said that all of the guys in our former crew were interested, but not for the right reasons. I told Katie that I'm just over it. I don't want people to think of me as that kind of person anymore, and I'm not sure if that's how I come off to people but those days ended years ago. I want someone to think of me as someone they'd want to bring home to their parents too, but as I told Katie, if that day never comes then I've had relationships and fun which ended up in me having a beautiful son, and that's all that I absolutely need in my life. She is actively seeking a relationship which is great for her, but truth be told she scares off every man she meets. She doesn't even try to take care of herself, and that's all I'm going to say about that. She should try, because she's a great person. She just... doesn't. And its gross. I wish I could help her learn to love herself. There are so many women in my life that I know who are damaged in that way just like I was. Of course, they don't let it come close to ruining their lives like I did. But I wish I could make them feel what I feel, and help them to learn what I've learned- that happiness comes from within.
And with that, I need to stop taking a break and get back to my clean house solo dance party. I sincerely hope nobody is peeking through my windows, because it'd be awfully embarrassing.
...
"Yeah, it's pretty clear, I ain't no size two
But I can shake it, shake it
Like I'm supposed to do
'Cause I got that boom boom that all the boys chase
And all the right junk in all the right places
I see the magazine workin' that Photoshop
We know that shit ain't real
C'mon now, make it stop
If you got beauty, beauty, just raise 'em up
******'Cause every inch of you is perfect
From the bottom to the top******
Yeah, my mama she told me don't worry about your size
She says, "Boys like a little more booty to hold at night."
You know I won't be no stick figure silicone Barbie doll
So if that's what you're into then go ahead and move along
Because you know I'm
All about that bass
'Bout that bass, no treble
I'm all about that bass
'Bout that bass, no treble
Hey!
I'm bringing booty back
Go ahead and tell them skinny bitches that
No I'm just playing. I know you think you're fat
But I'm here to tell ya
******Every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top******" |
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