I fight everyday to do the simplest things. I am fighting to save a relationship with a woman that I love very much. But not even I can give her the answers or explanations she wants\needs\deserves. It makes me feel like such a failure. I don't deserve her yet I want her more then anything. Its just so hard to explain something not even I totally understand. I keep hurting her mostly over $ and telling the truth. Its not that I am trying to lie all the time i just get sooooooooooo nervous of her reaction before I can stop by myself I lie to her and then lie to her again to cover up the 1st lie. Because, I know this is no excuse but I am too ashamed to admit to her that I just lied over something completely minor that turns in to something major. I have been fighting bipolar for years and no matter how hard I fight or which drug cocktail I am on nothing works to where I feel like I used to feel. And its fucking pissing me off and if I lose her cause of MY bipolar actions then I don't don't know what I will do. She & her little boy are the last two people I have left that will talk to me. I feel as though I am in a REALLY bad storm at sea. Adrift without a radio. |
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random: every day is a battle, imho. i know how it feels to survive mental illness. it has been a huge draw back in my life but optimism that things will work out and at the end of the tunnel there is light; it helps us to move. [huggles] good luck with everything!