My mind is a circus and I'm the starring clown

Helpless, hopeless - yup that's me. Like literally I feel like I'm arguing with myself and today I've been nauseated and nervous for some reason. I've been fighting with myself over some recent decisions that I've got to make and to be honest I'm still confused about it all (I might post details later when I'm comfortable about talking about everything). Life however is never supposed to make sense right? So I'm not completely insane yet. All I really want in life is to be happy , live happy and share happiness , peacefulness and calmness. But it seems right when I have all of those things within reach my mind turns me around and makes me restart the process back over. Recently I've realized that I have a "people" problem. Meaning I don't like them and I tend to push everyone away only to feel lonely and unwanted later on which then causes me to head into my downward spiral of despair. Which I do try to pick myself backup from but most of the time it's only so I can be knocked back down again. The only thing keeping me somewhat sane are the spawns that call me mom and depend on my caretaker skills for them to survive. It seems as if everyone wants to take a stab at me and make me feel awfully about my actions and reasons for everything which then in return causes me to feel like a clown - a helpless and hopeless clown that exists only to make everyone else laugh and question as if I was completely ignorant with no sense. I just wish this cloud would pass and let me be free because otherwise i'm beginning to see the bitter end drawing near.