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I cant help it. Life has turned me into this raging, insecure, monster of a woman, that sadly, I dont recognize anymore. I am a zombie, who once resembled a normal human being... Not overly attractive, but pretty enough. Not overly confident, but confident enough. Not over the top smart, but smart enough... I was once enough. Now I fear I am loosing my "enough-ness" and just being... well, here. I feel inadequate, in so many ways. As a mother, as a wife, as a daughter... I am failing. I am loosing ground, and have no idea which way is up anymore.
My husband has wandering eyes, and while I dont think he has physically left our marriage, I believe he is mentally checked out. I am feeling pretty insecure since the birth of my beautiful little boy, so it could just be me over thinking, but who knows. We live a pretty monotonous life. Im not even sure how we got here. We had our little one about 9 months ago, and moved away from all of our family and friends for my husband's job about 6 months ago. I havent met many people, and I am pretty lonely here... that could be another part of my problem. Anyways, he recently started talking about a girl he works with, alot. So, I did what any self loathing insecure, hormonal wife would so, and I searched for her on facebook and creeped. She is young, and very pretty, which he failed to mention in the times he has talked about her. But of course, I havent addressed it. I dont know how. I think part of me is afraid to hear him tell me he is no longer attracted to me, and unfortunatly I couldnt blame him. I gained a whole bunch of weight, and I have stretch marks from here to there. I no longer find the time to do much with myself as far as hair, makeup, etc. All the things I used to do, I cant manage to find the time for. between the cooking, cleaning, breastfeeding, diapers, baths, books... I know women do it all the time, Im just not sure how to juggle it all.
Since the loss of my mother in 2011, my family has fallen apart. My father moved on and I guess he moved on from me as well. He recently proposed to his girlfriend, and then got married and didn't even mention it. He's so wrapped up in her and her family that I am no longer important. My brother is the same way. We go down to visit about once a month, and I am lucky to be able to see either of them, even when they have 2-3 weeks notice. I feel like they just dont care...
and as a mother, well, I had this vision pretty much my whole life on how motherhood would be. How the nursery would be set up, how we would play games and learn, how I would nurse, the first birthday... well not a single thing has gone as planned. Since we were moving so soon after our little nugget was born, we never bothered to set up a themed nursery. His room is so plain, and simple. No decor, except a mobile I made him when I was pregnant.... Just a crib, and a changing table, and a chest that will eventually hold all of his toys. I do play and teach my son, but its not as picture perfect as I had planned. His first birthday is quickly approaching, and here I am frozen as a deer in headlights, with no earthly idea what I am doing. And breastfeeding? Well thats a whole other ball of wax. I failed at nursing, and had to turn to a breastpump to get that going... but thats a thing for another time.
Ugh!! I need to get my shit together...
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