Drugs & Motherhood

***DISCLAIMER*** If you have anything negative to say, I wish that you would keep it to yourself. I have punished myself more than enough. I know what I have done is wrong. And I am being punished for it. Trust me. It kills me everyday. I know a lot of you feel strongly about this subject, but before you judge, I ask that you read my whole story.

You know something, I hate myself everyday for who/what I have become.  My story is a long one.  But not all details will be given.  I will not provide names, dates, or how many child(ren) I have.  Years ago I decided to try an Opana for the first time, back when you could crush them.  It was the first pill I had ever done.  I got super sick, but I was really high due to my low tolerance.  That was my "gateway" drug.  I stuck to pills.  Opana, percs, hydros, roxys...things like that.  I was never a "junkie" I don't believe.  To me, a junkie is someone who is so high out of their mind, they can't keep their wits about them.  Someone who does ALOT of drugs, who uses needles, and doesn't take care of their kids.  I worked, paid my bills, and I thought I was just having fun, and wasn't addicted considering I did such a low dose.  By a low dose, I mean no more than 3 percs (less than they perscribe for a toothache!), or half a roxy.  But, I did get addicted.  I started noticing if I didn't have it, I would get very sick.  Cold chills, diarrhea, not wanting to move, being in actual pain.  It sucks that such a small amount can lead to an addiction.  Even when at my worst, I didn't get "bad".  I took care of my kids.  Fed, bathed, loved, and I played with them and showed them as much attention as possible when I wasn't working.  I took them out to eat.  I love my kids more than life itself and would never harm my children.  They have good clean clothes and aren't little dirty rugrats running around.  They got new clothes, new toys, a bed to sleep in, a roof over their head, their bellies full, and basically whatever they wanted (as long as they showed good behavior.  Bad behavior doesn't get rewards.)  You get my point, my drug habit was last in life.  So if I got sick, that's just it...I got sick, as long as my babies had what they needed and bills were paid.  

Then there came a time where I found out I was pregnant.  I was scared.  How can I tell a doctor that I'm addicted to pills.  I couldn't.  So I asked a friend who went through something similar, and she told me to get on Suboxone.  So I did, illegally, because I couldn't spare the $350 extra all at once.  So I bought Suboxone off the street.  I took a very small amount, just to keep from getting sick.  I heard that you shouldn't detox off anything while pregnant or else you could lose your baby.  So I took 1/2 of a strip a day just after I found out I was pregnant which was about 11 or 12 weeks I think.  I finally told my OBGYN around 15 or 16 weeks.  I explained that I needed help and was scared.  They assured me that my child wouldn't be took as long as I got into the Suboxone clinic.  So I did that with the help of some family.  They perscribed me 2 Subutex a day.  WAY too much I believe.  I couldn't take it as directed.  So, I used it to wean myself even lower.  I got down to a quarter of a pill every 2 days. Which is barely anything if you know anything about drugs.  Again, doctors told me NOT to come off this medication at all cause it could cause me to go into early labor and hurt my baby.  So I listened to them.  My baby was born full term.  He did NOT have withdrawals like they show.  I feel like mothers who are that bad on drugs and can let a baby be born like that, deserve everything that comes to them.  They do NAS scoring on infants.  They watch them for half an hour after each feeding to score them.  A high score....such as an 8 or more is bad.  If you get 3 high scores in a row, your baby will be sent to a special department to receive morphine.  My baby didn't have high scores besides 2.  And I received the hospital records.  My child received one high score of an 8 and the doctors noted in the record that this was IMMEDIATELY after his circumcision.  The other high(er) score was a 7, and I was furious about this one because my child was snuggled up, asleep, and with a pacifier.  They take him to the nursery (to where I watch through the blinds to make sure they aren't doing anything to agitate him) and this bitch nurse un-swaddles him, and takes out his pacifier.  He had literally just fell asleep.  Newborns want to be swaddled.  She took him out of his comfort zone, so he scored a 7 because he didn't stop crying for over 15 minutes.  

The rest of his scores were 1's or 2's.  The nurses said his biggest withdrawal symptom was that he wanted to suck on his pacifier too much.  He was a normal newborn.  No, he didn't shake or do any of that shit.  So the doctors release him to my care, and I get to take him home.  Now, I knew to expect a visit from the DCS worker.  So the day after we come home, she come by.  She done pill counts on my percs that they perscribed me (which I did not take) and my Ibuprofen they perscribed due to my c-section.  Everything was fine!  She asked about my drug use while pregnant and I told her everything.  She asked of my past drug use, and I told her.  She lied in her report.  She made me sound like an absolute junkie.  Maybe I was in her eyes.

She said she would have to take my child(ren) because it's in their best interest.  I asked her why.  She said it was because of my pre-pregnancy past drug use.  Are you serious?  I have no want to do pills anymore and haven't done one in a very long time.  I want my kids!  I was told my kids wouldn't be took if I done what the doctors said, and I did just that!  I wanted off the medication but they kept telling me it would hurt my baby!  

They placed my child(ren) with some family.  I can see them, as long as it's supervised.  It's been that way for a while.  They last time I went to court, I was charged with Severe Child Abuse and Neglect.  I love my children.  I have sat for months and cried.  Now in a few months, I can try to get a modification done to try and get unsupervised day visits.  I have to have a hair follicle test done and that costs $200.  Now, I don't mind to do these things, I will do these things, but I also have to have a job and keep it for 6 months before a modification can be done (and I got fired from my last one due to court and timely visits).  So now I have this on my record.  A job will be hard to come by.  Especially considering I have abuse/neglect on my background now.  

I regret a lot of things....I miss my child(ren).  I need them.  They are the reason my heart beats.  I have hated everyone and everything since this happened, even though I know I caused it.  I was honest.  I never stole, I never robbed, I love my family.  I was an honest, hard working, loving mother.  I developed an unhealthy fucked up habit that wasn't called for and if I would've been stronger, none of this would've happened.  Now I am without a job, without children.  I hate life.  I don't blame anyone but myself.  I was told my baby wouldn't be took, but he was.  I'm thankful he's with family, and not foster care, but I still need him.  I need my babies.  I need them so bad it eats at me everyday.  I am a failure, and the worst kind.  My DCS worker lied about many things in her report, and even while on the stand, she lied and kept getting dates and important info twisted.  I do blame her for those things, everything else rests on my shoulders and I know that.  I hate myself more than anyone could ever hate someone.  

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