than static.
holy cow it has been a long time since i've written.
seems to be the case these days,
but this morning. the words are coming.
its hit me the last few days.
that i am finally coming into my own.
the number one thing i like about having penpals.
is that i learn so much about myself.
that i would never have really explored otherwise.
(i like also getting to know other people.
there's something incredibly honest in a penpal relationship.
it's really freeing)
but anyways.
my one penpal asked me to describe myself in one word.
so i thought about what my friends might say.
they would say i'm kind.
or thoughtful, compassionate.
something, that makes me sound wonderful.
but then i thought.
sure. i can be those things.
i can be all of those things, and really like it.
but does that describe me?
and all i came away with to tell her.
is that i would describe myself as genuine.
which, maybe doesn't seem like anything.
and maybe it's weird for me to describe myself as that.
but. that's all i've got. and i'm actually.
really proud that i have finally reached this point.
if you've known me a long time,
you know that i have changed.
a.
lot.
in the past few years. but.
also alot in the past year.
i used to try. so hard.
to be the person other people wanted me to be.
i was so fake.
it killed me, even though i wasn't really aware of it.
but markedly in the last year.
i have finally found my footing.
finally found my voice that was hiding out in the corner.
and more than that.
i am completely okay with it.
i am genuinely me. pretty much 100% of the time.
which is. so. incredibly freeing.
i'm not always kind.
i'm not always compassionate, or thoughtful.
sometimes, i'm a genuine asshole.
sometimes, i'm genuinely rude.
sometimes, i'm knocked down.
my knees get scraped.
and i am really, very broken.
but none of that really matters to me.
because. i am me.
i'm not going to put on fancy clothes.
to get people to lend me money.
(more on this in a future entry)
i'm not going to hide the fact that sometimes.
i don't wash my hair for five days.
i'm not going to be afraid,
that i've worn the same plaid shirt,
every time i see someone.
i don't care anymore.
and i am so thankful that clea asked me that question in a letter.
because.
even just pausing. and reflecting on that the last few days.
has opened my eyes. and made me realize how far i've come.
life is just so good.
even when i feel like, it is only out to get me.
it's my life. and i wouldn't trade it for anything.
-a |
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