A lost cause?

I've been staying up pretty late everyday for the past 2 weeks. I just cannot stop the constant whine of my own mind until I am so exhausted that my thoughts finally let me sleep. Of course I can't stay asleep since my grandpa makes sure to wake me up when he needs me. 

Anyway, the reason for this post is this year I was yet again broke and could not buy a single gift for anyone of my family members and I started to think about what would I buy for them if I had money. I went down the list of people and I actually had ideas. Which is rare for me to even know what to get any of them since they can be picky or hard to figure out at times. Once I got down to one of my brothers I got stuck....

The only interests he has are drugs, being drunk, "spiritual" stuff in a warped way, and loose women. He's one of my "little" brothers but he's 28 and none of these interests inspire me to buy him anything useful. Let me explain... I don't approve of his abuse of drugs and alcohol, nor do I approve of his choices with women since he's caught STDs in the past... I don't want to encourage the life style he lives for that would be enabling him to continue to distroy his life with my blessing. He's not a horrible person... he has his good side that is respectful, considerate, funny, kind, generous, and understanding.... BUT the bad side...

See he takes ANY drug he is offered. He doesn't care what harm it can do, just that it is something to get high off of. I never know what kind of trip he'll be on when he comes around and tbh I just don't trust him. I have to watch him stumble, babble to himself about conspiracies, attack or antagonise others, play with his "energy", claim he has powers and that demons/Satan do things for him, yell out in the streets like a mad man, sucker punch family members and laugh about it, kick a nearby animal claiming he didn't know it was an animal while he was angry (which is bullshit..), pull out weapons on his family, try to bring trouble to my home... I could go on. 

These things are not the real person my brother used to be prior to the drugs and hanging around idiots who manipulated him (easily might I add) into thinking everything is out to get him, that stupid shit is Satan coming to get him, that demons are always following him... and basically feeding into the BS. This is not the person he is when he is sober or on a lesser trip.

Now I'm sure people might argue the case about beliefs and whatnot but I will tell you this... NON of the shit he is doing is making a better life for him. He lost his job he had for over 6 years, he has a daughter he can't see or be a part of her life (that may or may not be his... the girl may have slept with my brother's dad or his uncle), he was kicked out of his grandma's house, his relationships with family are gradually crumbling apart, his health is depleting as he is getting so thin his bones are prominent in his face, and he is very close to being homeless. 

My family is incredible unstable... something of which you get used to. The instability is heightened by their individual hang ups. The amount of head trips I have had to endure over the years not to mention the amount of fights I have had to break up... or tried to anyway... this has all become a part of my life and I am really Really tired of it. 

Thankfully some of them are gradually growing out of it and I think one of the reasons is because my grandma died a few years ago. Everything started to change a bit as time passed. See my family had this idea in their head that nothing they did caused my grandma enough stress to cause her die eventually from it. Yeah, sure her health wasn't great and she was tired but because her health was bad, the excitement and upset of everyone fighting hastened her death. I only recently found out how much in my biology class and tbh it pisses me off.

I now worry about my grandpa's health and I do not want him to die unhappy like she did. And I'm guessing some of the problem makers are worried about him too.

Unfortunately my brothers are now around because my mother lives with us and  now they are the trouble makers lately. Or at least more often than not now. One of my brothers I threw out because he did nothing, complained about doing anything, ignored people, and only got high. He started to act up and start fights when he was running low on sleep and drugs but it was when he threatened my mom that I had enough. He's not small and is pretty strong... I can restrain him only so much and I will not take the chance he might hurt someone severely... not only because I do not want anyone hurt but also because I don't want him to ruin his life. Kicking him out was the best thing because when he stays with us he doesn't do anything with his life. He makes excuses and says he's not ready.... he's 30... has a 6 year old daughter from an ex girlfriend's sister.... and he is not ready....?

Funny thing is I'm never ready for the BS I have to do daily because of all the mess ups my family pulls but I have to do what I have to do.... or else nothing gets done. Tired of that stupid excuse of not being ready.... 

Back to the whole purpose of this post is to vent about why I am so frustrated and lost as to what to do with my grown ass brothers that I want to "save" but I'm just too tired and unsure how to go about it. I don't want to see my brothers on the streets because of drugs or worse locked up or dead. The one that is heavily into drugs is the one that worries me the most because although the one I kicked out is a cause for worry sometimes he doesn't snap as often and I still have hope for. The heavily drugged one... Idk.... I just don't know what to do with him...

I mean the outburst have only recently increased. He seems to be doing more drugs than usual. I don't think he's even looking for work but he might once the unemployment runs out but what if that's too late? I want him to go to rehab and be a part of reality. I want him to stop with that spiritual BS he's been twisting to suit some idea of power he thinks he has now. 

I mean he thinks he's had a Kundalini awakening and talks about how now he knows more about life and what's going on around us.... he one day called my mom panicked about what his body was doing and wanted to know if I knew anything about it.... because he had just a month or two prior discovered how to feel his energy and started "healing" people and himself.... and I had, when I was younger, drew out my grandma's pain using my hands and I knew of the feeling I got with that... I wasn't very good and over time my ability to do it lessened it's effectiveness. Plus tbh I developed pain in my hands and arms from doing it, so I stopped... of course my grandma would still be sneaky and will her pain towards me to get rid of some of it... not to hurt me but just to use me as a channel to release it... I guess... I always knew she was doing it because I'd feel a tingly feeling where she was willing it. Anywho, the day of the panick he later said someone told him he had a kundalini awakening and my brother felt that made him more spiritual.... which translates in his mind that meant he should continue doing more drugs to being more "spiritual", see signs in everything as someone was out to get him, and basically check out of reality. 

The last time I really talked to him was on the night/morning I woke up startled by yelling that had also woke up my grandpa. He was outside screaming obscenities to my mother's boyfriend, who wasn't there btw, and he was talking shit to my mom because she told him to stop talking to the tv earlier that day and that the people in the tv are not trying to kill him. Clearly he was under the influence. I'm not sure what drug it was this time but I had to go outside and wait for my mother's ride to get there before I could go back to sleep. My uncle came out to make sure everything was alright and keep things calm if my brother got out of control. 

Now what I did as I waited was incredibly stupid but like everyone else I'm not perfect and I was getting to my own breaking point because of school, bills, depression, anxiety, and the fact I was sick off and on didn't help.... I basically berated him.... dumb, I know. There's no real reasoning with someone under the influence or someone who is mentally unstable... and I was berating him. I told him how stupid he was for his actions, that all those drugs aren't doing shit for him, that all that power he claimed to have is bullshit and he was weak, that he should look at all the things he didn't have because he had no power, that men that go out and work for what they want is powerful and relying on 'demons' to give him power was stupid and weak, etc.. etc... he really didn't like me calling him weak so he tried to scare me by stomping at me and throwing his chest out... I replied (totally unlike me) with pushing him back, I then told him to get the hell out and never come back,which he then slammed me into the wall and tried to hold me there, I had a flashlight in my hand (our lights were out that day due to routine maintenance in the area) I knew my mom used to hold onto things to help her hit and so I proceeded to hit him and push myself back towards him to get him off me (very unlike me), he then told me to stop hitting him and how he couldn't believe I'd do that and that he was hurt by me doing that and that now he would get his stuff and leave... my mind went blank thanks to my adrenaline and I couldn't think if I was wrong but I was sure he was wrong too. I was shocked and very sad. I cried and begged him to get help... he calmed and said he knows and he was sorry... but my brother likes to agree to what you are saying and then do the opposite... so I still didn't trust he had completely calmed or that he was agreeing about needing help... so I watched him as he left to the corner and waited with my mom while her ride got there. Once she left I went inside and locked the doors.... I'm not sure how but he came back that night and asked if he could change his clothes and by then I was exhausted... me and my grandpa had talked about what happened and my grandpa was worried about my brother cause it was a cold night and we weren't sure if he had anywhere to go... so I allowed my brother to change... I knew he wasn't going to leave but he didn't seem to be a threat anymore so I allowed it.

The next day my mom came back and he apologized to her. I told her that if he does anything, he was out. That he wouldn't be allowed to visit and I didn't care if he didn't have a place to stay. I would not deal with his or anyone else's outburst if I didn't have to. I told her that he needs to slow down, get help, and get a job. That he couldn't continue as he has been. I told her that we might hear that he was found dead one day because of the path he's following. 

My family is screwed up and I am no exception to that. I am not perfect. I have a long way to go in life and lots to learn. I wasn't always the way I am now but over the years I have become more closed and cold towards people. I still care but I'm tired at this point to be repeating the same shit every year... it all seems like a lost cause and I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever be rid of this version of drama or if it will continue to make me despise my family, the people I claim to love and care about? 

Sorry for for the long rant... if you can't tell my thoughts are all over the place and I can jump from one thing to the next and the next and then back again....well it's morning now and I need to feed my grandpa's birds and get some sleep. G'nite.