GIRLFRIEND

01/24/2014

SHE CALLED ME HER GIRLFRIEND.

like, she was on a recovery chat room (she has recently quit drinking and is trying to find support that's not AA since she tried AA and said it's too frustrating, anyway TMI) and somebody there was I guess flirting with her and she said she wasn't interested and the girl asked her why and she said how she was married and also had a girlfriend (ME) and that got the girl to back off. IDK I'm more excited that she told this to me, like she wants me to know that she thinks of me that way, even if she can't always say it outright????

(we have sort of discussed the term before. there was a time where she said girlfriend about me, but then we had some issues and she was pulling back because of guilt and blah. okay, i mean without outlining every detail of everything so far, i will say that yes, there's been difficult times, but what the hell else is going to happen when she's married and she's somewhere else, and we both have MIs that we're dealing with???? love is messy, that's how it is).

I forget what I was saying?

Oh yeah. Girlfriend.

It makes me all fuzzy and lovely feeling.

Here is the thing. She told me, earlier in our courtship (omg yes I used that word) that she would prefer that if somebody comes along, that I don't let her "get in the way" of that (because, she's technically not "available" to me, and somebody else might be HERE and be available).
But now she's been more honest with me in saying that she thinks it will happen, eventually, that I'll meet somebody who is perfect I guess, and I won't "need her" anymore. But she says that it will basically break her heart, because *she* wants to be the person that is making me happy.
I want that too, though??? I mean I know it's not ideal but I am happier having her in my life than I have ever been with anybody else, and if I have to travel whatever miles to see her and hold her, I can live with that.

Can I just say, nobody has ever "got" me the way she does? I mean, we both get each other really well. It's a lot of "OMG what you said, right there, YES, I feel that!" And sometimes sentences don't make sense but she gets what I'm saying anyway.

Sometimes I wonder how things like this happens, how two people in the world find each other in such unlikely circumstances. I mean a year ago I barely knew her, and now I don't know how to live without her.

idk what i'm saying, i'm just all covered in feelings and i think i have to go lie down and stare at the ceiling some.