sooooo yeah. same old same old. hubby and i still arguing. like a married couple lol. the only difference is this time, i may have a way out if things get too much worse. i've been talking to my sister in ohio a lot, and she is assuring me everyone there would love to have me back. i would love to go back to see them. but to go back to the way things were before? i don't think that is possible anymore. with everything that has been going on with my cousin and everything, and my grandma, and all that emotional war, i don't know if that will be such a good move on my part. part of me wants to leave, but a deeper part of me says stay. i was raised to stay "'til death do us part". it's part of my core beliefs. going against that just rubs me the wrong way. but i've got this crazy notion in my head that i shouldn't be miserable for the rest of my life either. the two are fighting a fatal war inside me, and i can't stop it. the casualties are piling up rapidly, and the collateral damage is insurmountable. what can i do? i can't talk to any of my friends or anyone else, because no one can give an honest to goodness objective perspective. i'm torn. i love this man to death but i can't stand the way he treats me. i don't know what to do. i've tried talking to him about how serious this situation really is, and he just doesn't seem to get it. will it really take me leaving for it to sink in? if so, why would i come back? should i go against everything engrained in me just because of my feelings? ..................is my marriage really over?..................i've got so many doubts right now. so many questions. but everyone i speak to is neither objective nor are they helpful. some have no input on the situation whatsoever. some, like my aunt(the one i used to talk to about hard times before) is dealing with enough right now with her oldest daughter being suicidal and threatening to kill herself AND now her little sister. not to mention how many times she has tried.....no one else would understand. what do i do? i feel like leaving is not the answer here, yet on the flip side of the same coin, it may be the only thing that can solve these problems between us.........for once in my life i honestly don't know what i am supposed to do.............. |
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