hated

(((HUGS))) I am really sorry. I have been where you are more times then I would like to admit. I wake up and go to bed that way each day. You are not alone in where you are. I am right there with you maybe we can find the answer together.

Here's to hoping

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We are all bad and not worthy in the eyes of God. You're not alone. So you shouldn't feel worse than anyone else.

This may be over generalizing it, but let me first use a general four letter word to describe your feelings and situation --> pain. Just as with other situations of pain, my advice is - Talk to God about your feelings and ask Him for help. It won't hurt and it doesn't cost you anything. You don't even have to take out extra time to do this. You could do this when you are lying in bed at night waiting to fall asleep. Here's an excerpt from a blog that may help you:

“Often, your situation is meant to strengthen you and your faith, and to move you to go to God and ask Him for help. Sadly, some people still refuse to go to God for help even in a desperate situation. It really doesn’t make any sense because they really have nothing to lose in seeking God and praying to Him for help. As my ophthalmologist said, “It doesn’t hurt.” In medicine, they often weigh the risks vs. benefits when considering whether they want to go ahead with a specific intervention. In this case, there are no risks in prayer, but there are potential benefits (as documented by scientific studies, believe it or not).

When you do figure out that it is best to go to God to ask Him for help, try your best to not doubt and not fear. From experience, I know that this is easier said than done... However, you have to try your best as the enormous importance is taught in the book of James."

Feel free to find this entire blog about handling pain in life and uncertain situations at - http://stanzo.blogspot.com/2009/07/facing-uncertainties-part-2-do-not-fear.html

I'm not sure how I feel about all of us being bad and not worthy. I think in most of us there is inherent goodness.

I have felt like you at times. When I have been deep in the depths of self-hatred and loathing, a few things have helped me. Therapy was a great experience, but I only got to do a few sessions (cause lord is it expensive). My therapist was kind enough to give me some coping tools for when I came to be especially dark and twisty. Exercise has also helped. Putting on some good thinking tunes and running or swimming until I puked every day helped me burn off my stress and anger, helped me sleep better, and gave me more endorphines that lightened my mood. Making an effort to eat better and drinking a lot of water also does a great deal in improving my mood, as weird as that sounds. Although I did go to the ER about a year ago and the doctor said that most young people these days are perpetually dehydrated, which doesn't bode well for brain or body health. Then finding something to do, like volunteering or changing your job, that makes you feel like you're making a difference. I started volunteering with kids and it has made me feel like less of an asshole every day for still working at a job that I hate. All of these things have helped me feel better about myself and life in general.

Try some of these out. It may help you, too. And they're all free (except for the therapy).

In response to your response, His Son's case is very different from ours. When he said "take this cup", it's not because he's depressed. It's because Jesus sees vividly or knows that he is about to be tortured in the worst way the Romans torture criminals. He was still very human in the same physical form as us, so it's natural to react a certain way when faced with literal pain. But the spiritual part of him still dominated as he continued to say, "…but not my will but Yours" to the Father.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to get all theological on you, but I just wanted to address what you said. Regarding what’s more applicable to you, I would like to just say what doesn’t work with the Father (at least from my own experience and those of some others I know). As adults, I think we know to be real and it’s never - you ask and the pain goes away. He is not genie in a bottle.

In general, when something gets rid of pain fast, the relief does not last and it usually causes more problems than it solves. For example, morphine gets rid of physical pain very quickly, but the pain relief does not last and it may cause other problems with continual use. That’s just an analogy of physical pain relief, but when it comes to other types of pains such as emotional pain, the same principle holds true. That’s probably why God usually doesn’t just take our pain away with one fell swoop.

As cliche and as simple as it may sound, I still recommend continuing to talk to God during the pain (or during the storm, if it’s that bad and I’ve been there), because that was very crucial when I was going through stuff in my own past, such as the time when I was facing medical problems and almost became disabled while going through a financial crisis. That painful period lasted for a whole year or more. It was bad also because I didn’t know how long it was going to last. There was no end in sight.

I’m not going to pretend like I know your case well enough, but keep talking to God. It won’t hurt, but it will most likely help.
Also, keep writing as you are already doing. It’s proven to be good therapy. That’s why I do it.