bear with me
by Aubrey.

aubrey's in a relationship

01/06/2014

[Brief intro: I'm Aubrey, I've been here before. 26 year old woman living in the US.]

I don't want to write about my relationship because I can't think of any way to talk about it and be HONEST and not make it sound like I'm a fucking asshole.

so anyway, I'm in a not-ideal situation and I just want to talk about it.

Since about May of 2013 I've been in an online-only thing with a woman in Germany. Her name's Ana but I call her Comfy bc that's her online handle and she's not really comfortable with her name (she has some identity issues that I won't really go into).

The part that makes me an asshole is that she's married. I knew this when we started getting flirty, and it's pretty much the most difficult part of it all.
She doesn't have any intimacy in her marriage and she does tell me that she and her husband have trouble relating to each other. (Another point: he's like 20 years older than she is... she just turned 30). IDK. I don't really ask a lot of questions.

I've told my therapist that if her husband knew about me and was okay with it, I'd feel better. I'd even sort of suggested to Ana if she talked to him about an open thing, or semi-open. IDk. She said that's not really something they do (I guess they really don't even talk about the fact that they have problems, and their issues, IDK I just really don't ask a lot of questions about her marriage. I just know that it doesn't work for her).

I can't explain how I feel about her without like, pulling my heart out of my chest and sticking it here for you to see. God I sound pathetic.

She's basically everything I ever wanted in a person. We have a lot of similar interests. She shares my sense of humor. There's a fuck of a lot of chemistry (okay, I mean I guess we can't tell for sure, but we have done Skype video/voice calling and there are these ~moments~ when she just looks at me and I feel like I can't breathe because of how intense it is).

We're meeting up in March for two weeks. In Canada.

("that's a terrible idea, why would you meet up with a married woman.")

It's not about sex or anything like that (truth is I don't think we'll have sex but IDK, I guess that's something we'll see). It's more about realizing for me that there is somebody that exists and is real who loves me, who I love, who actually matches everything I ever wanted.

The difficult bit is that I don't know what happens after March. We meet up, we realize we can't live without each other and then???

I mean I have a fantasy of us moving in together in Canada somewhere, after she gets the job she wants and leaves her husband, but I don't know.

I don't fucking know anything and sometimes I wonder if this thing is a mistake, but then I think of all the good things she's given me, the feelings, the love, the everything, and I guess I would rather have that (and the risk of hurt that comes with ANY relationship) than not.

IDk.

okay tell me i'm stupid and i'm an asshole and that i'm doing something stupid but isn't love stupid anyway?

next entry: TRAVEL

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Yay, you're back Good to see you here again.

I don't think you're stupid. Love, yes, can be stupid sometimes. But it's something that I don't think anyone can control. Sometimes we fall in love with people that other people might judge us for or people we never thought we'd fall in love with. But it's pretty much inexplicable.

I think it's great that you found someone who is your ideal match...I just worry about you getting hurt if she doesn't plan on leaving her husband. I can understand it must be hard for her too, being in that situation. At least she seems to have been being very honest about it. Have you guys talked about what may happen after she visits Canada?

[once.upon.a.time. Star

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The biggest issue is that we haven't really said much about "after March". We've both acknowledged that it's probably a life-changing event, but the thing is, we can't know in what way? I mean I really want it to be the catalyst she needs to make changes in her life but I know the possibility of me and her being together in any physical capacity would be hard (I mean, living together). It would take a hell of a lot of effort and I never know if I'm worth that kind of risk for somebody. The very fact that she is taking this two weeks to fly to Canada to spend time with ME is a big thing. (She said she's never even traveled alone before for this long, so).
OMG I'm crying, sorry. I get so overwhelmed with feelings, like holy shit why does a person exist who actually thinks I'm worthy of this? It's hard to even think about.

[Aubrey.|0 likes] [|reply]

Well, I don't think she would be taking this trip to see you if she didn't think you worth it, but I can understand that feeling of not believing or thinking you are worth it. I just hope that things work out good for both of you. I hope that when you meet her everything will sort of fall into place. You must be so excited and nervous at the same time!!

[once.upon.a.time. Star

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