i'm sorry i haven't read or written in a while but i need to get this off my chest omfg
I HAVE A DADDY KINK OKAY AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH it.
I love older men in theory, but in practice I don't because men make me uncomfortable and I wouldn't want to date one because I feel intimidated by them. But some men just make me go hnnnng
like lookit this guy okay:
LIKE he's so BIG and brawny and he looks like a hot step-daddy and i just have problems don't I?
i've never told my therapist about this and I think Ana sorta knows but not really? we never talked about it but her husband IS an older man and I think she def. has some of that but idk?
the thing is i really want this kink to be a part of my sex life (even though i have no sex life since i'm still a VIRGIN) but i want it to be Ana. God I don'twant anybody else and i know we're technically not a couple but we kind of are and I called her my girlfriend to my boss. (my boss is gay too so at least there's that).
um so to clarify since i'm sure this is a pile of confusing shit:
1.) my thing with Ana is that we are friends that love each other. i have my fb status as in a relationship in order to sort of explain things to my family and coworkers and that's it. because it's as much of a relationship as it can be and i don't want anybody else.
2.) i have this KINk where i want somebody to coddle me and tell me i'm a pretty girl and pet my hair and give me plushies and tuck me into bed and do all these things that make me feel like a lil kid, indulge my little girl side, and let me call them daddy or mommy (or sir.. i've jokingly called Ana sir before when she jokingly gives me orders and I LOVE that but idk how she feels.... we don't even do chat sex anymore but that's fine because i don't even really have a sex drive? i think its the prozac but i haven't even wanted to jack off in like months. i did it twice after waking up from sex dreams and anyway this is TMI already ain't it?)
i want Ana to be my full time person and I want to live with her, and I want her to realize that as much as she loves her husband and all, she is gayer than I am and she wants to be with ME forever (god I WANT her to be so selfish that she claims me and tells me not to love anybody else) (maybe thats part of the kink, wanting to be claimed and owned... i KNOW i have a subby side).
also it doesn't help that i watched a movie and then a documentary about lesbian couples in their 70s-80s who had been together for 30+ years and I wanna be that with HER and IDK what to do about it???????????
i had this delusion about moving to germany and stuff but.
i dont want her to leave her husband i just want him to be okay with me being her girlfriend and i just want life to be okay. 
im just a dumbass idek so i'm gonna leave this entry here and probably not update for another month because i am a pathetic pining piece of crap.
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